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So I feel like I'm getting over my narc. I don't miss him, I

So I feel like I'm getting over my narc. I don't miss him, I've forgotten what it feels like to have him around and I even have come to terms with him and his new supply.

BUT what I can't seem to get over is how he gets away with everything. Him and the new supply have been on and off for months (he obviously contacts me when they're off) and he talks SO much crap about her to me and then two weeks later, they're back together.

I know I can never tell her all the awful things he says about her, but I want to sooooo bad.

It's SO frustrating that someone can talk so much crap about a person and then run back to them. And the NS is completely oblivious to his horrible words towards her.

I'm so sick of him getting away with verbal murder. How do you just let it go?!

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[120]
Jun 13

@jesike416 Then maybe the way to let it go is to go FULLY no contact. Excuse me for saying it but if he is still able to reach you, that's not, "no contact." ;) Time alone doesn't heal all wounds but, the more time and distance you put between the 2 of you, the less impact he will have on you. I understand being concerned for his, "new supply" but, think if someone had approached you about your ex when you were newly involved. You probably wouldn't be open to hearing it either. I know I wasn't. Lot of hurt feelings put on people who were trying to show their concern for me .. but it was something I had to learn myself .. a painful lesson, to be sure. She will have to learn as well. But consider this: we all know it's a game to narcs, how they manipulate and abuse for some sick feeling of superiority. As long as you have any kind of feeling about him, about what he's doing to someone else, any thoughts good or bad, HE WINS. Every moment spent considering anything that has to do with him, is a victory for the narc. (That's another lesson I've had to learn - been over 2 years after the fact and I'm still working on it but, it does get better.)

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Karinah's picture
[11060]
Jun 15

@jesike416 - I understand what you're saying. It's a difficult position to be in. Since I was in a relationship with 2 malignant con-man dangerous narcissists in my lifetime, I can look back at those experiences to help me decide how I would handle similar situations as the outsider. My ex was a real professional at brainwashing and manipulation. I slowly lost friends, lost my sense of self worth, etc. You know how it goes. I had a good friend who spent a little time with my ex-N and me. She has wonderful parents and they met the ex-N as well. She and her H were moving to another state. She said to me, "I hope you'll be okay. I am worried. He seems too controlling." She moved and when I talked with her about visiting again, she said that she and her H didn't think they'd come back to our city (although her parents were only 1 hour away). I didn't hear from her again. I had another person in my life do something similar. It took me 7 years, but I finally gathered the courage to leave. If I did not, I would have been harmed even more. He was a dangerous person. He was surrounded by flying monkey friends who supported him. But the words of my few friends that cared enough to put themselves on the line and voice their caring thoughts, never left the back of my mind. What I'm trying to convey is that if I didn't have a few people say, hey I'm worried this is what I'm thinking. I hope I'm wrong, but maybe you should google gaslighting..." I'd be in danger, staying in that relationship and my child would be in more danger, because she wouldn't have a Mom in a healthy place who could look out for her. For myself, I have resolved that I will not be silenced (like the narcs want). I will speak a few sentences sincerely and honestly. Then I can go no-contact knowing I am not an enabler of abuse. Many people have gone no contact this way. And, in my experience it worked out fine. They were angels in my life. Without them, myself and my child, would be in a much worse place than we are now. I am grateful to the few people who had the courage to voice their thoughts about my ex-N.

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Karinah's picture
[11060]
Jun 15

@Halfway - thank you for that clarification. I get what you're saying. We are on the same boat. Your gf is in a very rough situation. You probably already know this but your gf needs to only communicate with him via email. She has to save all correspondence electronically and make paper copies. She should probably use an app like Talking Parents or My Family Wizard. Focus on any behaviors that affect the child. Keep your side of the street clean. Your gf can take a class in how to communicate with a high conflict co-parent. She'll need to keep her side of the street clean. Always be above board in how you interact with the child and how you communicate with the ex-N. Get as much emotional support as possible. Co-parenting with a narc is a whole different ballgame -- harder and different than a relationship without children.

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