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In a conflict with my wife today...again. Anyone that has se

heath_minusly's picture
[5275]

In a conflict with my wife today...again. Anyone that has seen my previous posts maybe understands why I did this, and I have kinda just had enough. I feel I have tried so many things with her and nothing works. I just started acting to her the way I see her act to me. I talked at the same level. I started talking with this circular logic accusing her of being wrong for anything I could and using everything she said against her. I gave her labels for things she said. I really felt I nailed the same interactions she gives me.

Her reaction to this was pretty severe. She got really upset, cried, and talked about how I was so unbelievably mean to her out of the blue. Said several times it is over and she wants a divorce...but she says this everytime. She never really means it and gets phyisical if I try to leave.

I don't know how to get across to her how she acts towards me. It is like she puts on special goggles that sees everything I do as a malicious thing and then attacks me. She talks specifically about problems until I try to address those and then she talks abstract about problems which is a moving target and always overshadows whatever we were talking about. In the end the topic is always that I am a ****. I either said too much, too little, not enough, wrong tone, wrong posture, not with feelings, with too much feeling...whatever she can throw. It feels like insanity.

So today I feel I really was a monster because I tried to be her own reflection. It hurt her and caused lots more drama and she did not even get it. Now I do feel bad and like I was very wrong.

I am super conflicted. If I act like her, or at least how I perceive she acts, I feel real terrible about it because it is mean. Usually I just defer to her to keep the peace but it does not work...never works for long. Not to mention when I defer, defer, defer, I start feeling suicidal and I am desperately trying to keep those images away. I cannot deal with her in anyway that feels healthy!!

She has often labeled me as narcissistic, passive aggressive, uncaring, and conflict avoident. Maybe I am all these things and do not recognize my own flaws? I could be as oblivious as I think I see her being. Why would I choose to just be mean with no gain. I did not think I was being malicious.

I need someone else to think for me on this. :-/

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heath_minusly's picture
[5275]
Nov 12

@CKH5268 - We have so much in common in this thread. One that really resonated with me was your comments about an after-life or finally getting some credit on my death bed. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is those things...and I know deep down it is madness.

You are really giving me much to think about. I apreciate your comment and experience!

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MarkCaron's picture
[1415]
Nov 12

Heath_minusla what you fail to know understands is that to treat someone the way you did is rude, crude and socially unacceptable. Unless of course your wife is treating you that way and then it is fine.
All of those, circle logic, everything is wrong, etc are manipulation techniques that are used by narcs. I have had 3 significant women narcs in my life each use some or all of those techniques.

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[700]
Nov 12

Sounds like a great couples therapy would be in line! There are some really good ones out there! Have you considered a counselor or pastor?

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