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I told my mom I called the hotline last night. She made it a

I told my mom I called the hotline last night. She made it a community affair and her and her sister wanted to know why I wanted to go to a hospital! They want to change my meds, but they say I can do that at home.
My soul is numb. Except for the sadness. I still haven't done anything or gone anywhere. They told me to get out. It's sunny. Go for a walk.. They don't understand that I literally have zero hope and zero emotion. Again, except sadness.
They make this about them.
How my imbalance brings them down.

I just want to go back under the covers.
I never want to leave.
I need to put my backpack on and take the kitties and disappear.
No one cares that I'm ready to die. Just that I'm an inconvenience to them..

And they wonder..
I have nothing.
Just me. Under the blanket.
Just my cats who love on me in my darkest despair.
Just my music, which brings about joy, sadness, fear..
You know.
And they're like "If the music makes you sad, don't listen to it..:

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[430]
Apr 14

It really doesn't sound like your family gets how serious your situation is. I hope you can find a way to show your family what you really need and that they support you in getting it. I'm sorry for all the pain your in..

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[415]
Apr 15

Oh, precious one... I know what you are feeling. I have been there so many times over the years. You know what? You are important and so necessary in the world. You are needed for who you are and how you will affect people in such good ways, in ways that will change them! Do you journal or write? For me, it has been so helpful to have this as an outlet, first to just get all of the thoughts and the emotions out and then to let others see that they are not the only ones feeling this way. You are not alone... I know it might seem that way right now because the darkness is so dark and all-consuming. Please don't give up, choose to fight... you are loved! :)

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ajmommy002's picture
[2445]
Apr 15

Hugs. It's ok to stay under the covers some times...but it's actually ok to force yourself to go outside too. And if you need to go to the hospital...go...call for help...anything but harm yourself. Hugs!

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