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I moved to a much bigger apartment, and I'm really pleased.

I moved to a much bigger apartment, and I'm really pleased. Even though all three of my kids still want to sleep in my room, lol. (I don't really care- they'll quit when they are ready.) But I'm totally not unpacked. Back hurts way too much already, I'm so tired after work, and if I have my kids I can't get much done. I don't want to turn down time with them either. I feel like if I did, or otherwise seemed the least bit frazzled, my ex will decide I "can't handle them". Same with work- I fear that the slightest lapse will prove to my manager that I'm not really up to things. Yet I'm trying to practice being "real", being present in my own body and my own life. I fear that I've worn out my welcome with some dear friends- they don't respond much to my messages and haven't invited me over for any of the holidays. I feel so sad, as I must have done something wrong, but I'm too afraid to just ask them. And I've started talking to my therapist about past abuse and trauma, just over the past 2 weeks. I've been seeing her most of the past 3 years! So a lot of body flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, overall increased anxiety and hypervigilance. I'm tired! I'm pleased with my progress with much, but also sad, lonely, afraid, frustrated, and sometimes angry. Thank you for reading my aimless babbling!

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RainbowChard's picture
[10020]
Oct 11

Congratulations on your new space, and on opening the door to healing trauma with your therapist. The "competent persona" is tiring to maintain even without post traumatic stress symptoms - are there other outside resources you can draw on right now to help you? And no, not aimless babbling. You deserve to be seen!

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@RainbowChard thank you for your kind words! I am trying to do all my other things for mental health- eating healthy, getting outside, interacting with friends. It helps. Also noticed my mood dip a bit this past week so I've scheduled a maintenance ketamine appointment. This bit is frustrating to me because I often tell myself I shouldn't need this, should be able to stop the depression pattern. But I'm trying to remember that the facts don't support that, and just like with any other disease I need to follow the recommended treatments.

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RainbowChard's picture
[10020]
Oct 12

It took years for us to develop our symptomologies - and it will take years to heal them. Good for you for embracing what you need right now. <3

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