I am feeling lost, completely and totally. I am 33 years old

Traffic_Report's picture
(1920)

I am feeling lost, completely and totally. I am 33 years old and I feel exactly the way I felt when I was 16. Somehow confused about who I am and what my opinions are. Perpetually trying to figure out *how* to be human when I know somewhere in my logical brain it's really not all that difficult. I made it to such a good place mentally a few years ago, but I moved back to NY in 2019 and immediately started losing all the progress I made. I threw myself into a relationship right away, I'm so confused that 1.5 years into this relationship I don't even know if I like him or if I'm using him as a sober crutch. I have lost all sight of any of the good in me and and I'm back to incessantly running self disparaging thoughts through my head. I am acting like an ungrateful, spoiled child. It is so much harder working on myself and taking care of myself when I'm in a relationship. All rational thought flies out the window and I am consumed by insecurity and jealousy and rage. I don't know how I'll ever be able to maintain any semblance of a healthy relationship while also nourishing my individualism. It feels impossible.

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CKBlossom's picture
(506985)
Jun 21

@Traffic_Report How are you doing today? Was your weekend nice?

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Traffic_Report's picture
(1920)
Jun 21

Thanks everyone. I am in counseling but it's taking me a long time to get it together. I'm not doing great. Boyfriend broke up with m last night bc of the jealousy. Can't say i blame him, it was a long time coming and I'm surprised we made it this far. At least I have stability to look forward to but I'll be busy nursing a broken heart for a bit first.

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LollyNews's picture
(69195)
Jun 29

@Traffic_Report that’s exactly how I feel. The last 9 years of being single have been the best of my life because I focus on me instead of the boyfriend. It was hard at first but it got better and now is better than ever. But yeah I would like someone. And then this reminds me why it never works. It might work now but it’s also hard to get in a relationship after being a healthy single person for so long.
I don’t want to be judged or rejected. I don’t wanna give someone else so much power over me emotionally and psychologically.
Good luck with your counseling. You understand yourself well so that’s a good thing.
Honestly, being single is a good thing. When I look at relationships, I don’t see many good ones. I know some people have good relationships. But I’ll just take my sister for example. Her husband is nothing more than The hired help. He does everything basically. But do they have sex? No!
Are they romantically intimate on any level? No. It’s an arrangement.
Most are. Do you want to be with someone so you can get married and have kids for example. I don’t want kids. I don’t want someone to clean the house and mow the yard.
I want a lover!
Most people who are married or living together spend very little quality time together.
Just something to remember.
99.9% of the time it’s been single for the win for me!

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