I have always had issues with self esteem. It started with m

I have always had issues with self esteem. It started with my sibling, who would make fun of me, get her friends to make fun of me for being overweight, and alienate me from our cousins by teaming up with them and leaving me out of everything. Growing up, my sister was domineering and intimidating. I would want to talk to her because my dad would leave us alone in the house and I would be bored. I would come into her room and she would be lisbteing to the radio, she would chase me out and tell me to get my own life and quit copying her. I went into my room and turned on my radio quietly, minutes later she would barge in to check on me and if I had my radio on the same station as she did she would jump on me, scratch, pinch and pull my hair. she also called me weak a lot because sometimes i would be so frustrated i would start crying? and my parents never intervened so i always felt like i was alone. when me my sister and my dad would go to the grocery store my dad would walk away from us and we would walk around the store looking at clothes and stuff. my sister would fast walk away from me and yell at me in front of everyone to quit following her and to leave her alone and it always made me feel embarrassed and ugly. I was also afraid to be walking alone in a store full of people up until the age of 16 pretty much. my sister used to molest me as well which is something I look back on now and think it wasn't me, it was her that was disturbed. she would blackmail me saying if i didn't do it she would tell our dad which at the time I thought my dad would be furious at me for that reason. or I would be shamed. I never stuck up for myself because I didn't know how, basically i had been codependent my whole life because I had no self esteem. I don't feel like anyone understands me and as I write this I just feel anger at the thought of not being understood and not being able to express myself without sounding like..idk...pathetic which is what I was called my whole life. I feel like I am on the outside looking in because i see the people around me seem confident and full of self worth while I am deficient in it. In my family these days I am the one who is willing to do anything to be the best, probably to mask my low self esteem deep down. educational wise i am further and work wise make more money than 80% my age. i struggle with relationships and intimacy. I just channel all of my low self esteem into seeming like i have it together. but now i'm quitting my job to find a new one and try to grow emotionally, now i am close to finishing my degree at 21 and trying to envision the future but it's hard to when i realize my sibling is still trying to destroy me from the sidelines, tagging me in memes on social media about being a *** or just being pathetic overall. if it were a friend i would take it as a joke but it being my sister the joke isn't funny to me it's like she still needs to cut my self esteem down and it's just stupid. I know I just need to focus on the future because that's the only thing that gives me any sense of relief because it means I have some control over my life. Thank you for reading.

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Jennipain's picture
[336725]
Apr 21

Hello there and you said it right at the end that you need to focus on your future. We all get caught up in other people and compare our lives which we should never do. We are all different and on different roads for many reasons. I feel that we are on the right road for what we need to learn in life and we have to just accept that and love who we are. It's a hard thing to do but once we start to learn to do that we start to feel so much better about who we are. xo

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