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today, i am not okay. yesterday, i was not okay. i don't eve

today, i am not okay. yesterday, i was not okay. i don't ever remember being okay. for starters, my name is Chloe. i am 16 years old and diagnosed with bipolar one. this support group thing is new to me, and i don't really know how this sort of thing works. but quite frankly, i don't know what else to do. im so lonely. I'm surrounded by all these people that i can talk to but still feel as if I'm alone. they dont understand. they dont deal with my head. they dont live with what i am forced to live with each and everday. i dont let anyone in for the fact that i feel like im wasting my breath, talking to someone about what is going through my head when they are not IN my head. i don't know how im going to manage living like this for the rest of my life. hell, i cant even get up in the morning and attended school. the mania isn't a problem at this point- my medication has helped me on that note. the depression though? this is eating me alive. i dont know how im going to be able to keep going without ruining my entire life along the way. i feel as if im trapped in my own head, and there is no absolute way out. ive pushed everyone away.

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Dec 7

Hi Chloe,
You are very lucky. They have been able to diagnose you at an early age. My first episode was at age 17 and it was a devastating depression. They missed the diagnosis and it was 1970. I was diagnosed in 2006. So for 36 years, I had no idea what was really wrong with me, although my behavior was completely erratic. I joined all the churches, just to be safe and completely missed the point. I stayed in my field, but moved every 3 to 4 years. My first marriage was a disaster. To climb down out of elevated mood, I used alcohol and developed an addiction. Part of the time I was brilliant with an unbelievable ability to create and sometimes I was absolutely void of any spark. I went through women, left and right. My behavior made no sense to anyone, but for me it was normal. I spent money like a drunk sailor out on leave, I was often in debt, up to my eyeballs. Looking back, I don't know how I survived, but I did. In 2006, everything changed. I discovered lithium with the help of a Doctor. Since then, my life has greatly improved. I hate the blood work for lithium levels and thyroid. The weight gain and loss as I dialed in the right combination of medication. I get tired of taking it and I do tweak it at times to elevate mood, but not for long or I'll wear myself out. I have a stable life now and there is nothing to have to explain. Because you discovered the disorder early, you have the opportunity for a full accomplished life.

After puberty, life is confusing for awhile with all the hormones secreting, not knowing what to do with them or the behavior they spark. Depression in our youth is common, but it does level out. Give yourself a chance. Stay on the medication, change it when necessary and prepare yourself for a beautiful life. You will do fine. Don't let the disorder define you, take charge and manage it to your advantage. When you get a little older, you will understand what I mean. I'm almost 63 now and it has been a great life. I have few regrets.

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Dec 9

Dear Chloe,
You have discovered something at the tender age of 16 that has taken most of us many more years than that to figure out. No one can actually ever BE inside our heads except us. And sometimes without medication, WE don't want to be inside our heads, either! The chemistry imbalance is very real, and your depression should be addressed by a Doc, too! This is a great forum for support and to be as real as you need to be. While you are going through the addition of all of the hormones and the maturing of your body, your brain chemistry is going to continue to change. It takes trial and error to get it right, especially since each of us is just unique enough to make medical science a hit and miss proposition, so give the docs a chance. Don't give up on your support system, even if they don't always understand how devastated you feel. Once again, welcome here, and please keep posting. God bless you.

Dec 11

It's gonna be ok. We r here to help and support, and listen to u. I hear what u r going thru. I've been going thru it for 38 years. My doctor has me on 2 medicines. One to lower the manias and one for the depressions. Sometimes it takes a while to get the right combination of meds. Then when I'm on the same meds for a long time, sometimes years, they stop working and we have to try a different combination of meds. I know it can be a drag sometimes. Be sure to let ur dr know exactly what ur symptoms have been so he knows if need to be on different meds. It helps to keep a chart tracking ur manias and depressions to let ur dr see better what ur symptoms are everyday.


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