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I'm not feeling too good. I've been thinking about just kill

[20]

I'm not feeling too good. I've been thinking about just killing myself for several weeks. Maybe months. Ever since my last series of psychotic episodes. I've told my family, they just said I can't do that. The doctors continued with my same meds and recommend I call the crisis line if I feel like I'm going to do it. I just want the racing thoughts to stop. I keep replaying different points in history in my memory and reliving it. I keep trying to mentally stop time. I want to go back and change things. I haven't seen my daughter in person in over a year because I can't get my act together enough to be in her life. In my last series of psychotic episodes I lost my girlfriend, my job and alienated myself from all of my friends by posting way too much on social media. Saying stuff like "yeshua yes you are" and claiming to be a Navy seal. I look back at that and just think " what a f***ing idiot" I hate myself and this disease but mostly myself. I feel like I can't talk to people. I feel like all my social skills are gone and I'm just a piece of sh*t. I've had a gun under my pillow with one bullet in the chamber for a couple weeks. Every morning I wake up and think I should just kill myself so I don't have to deal with this another day. But I can't work up the courage. I keep thinking about how my daughter will feel and that stops me. I don't know what to do. I can't keep this up for much longer.

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[1075]
Aug 13

Hello Tgavidia I have 2 friends and my daughter who deals with bipolar as well. It is most difficult to reason when one gets keyed up and hits the hot end of the scale. So right now why don't you call a friend or a relative and let them hold onto your firearms for safe keeping. I am wondering if in the mix of isues here for you as a theme of your thoughts ,,,perhaps you might have a short term case of ocd going on. Complicated to understand but will tell you easy to fix with the right help. I had it myself, the thought wouldn't let go, finally I couldn't stand it and called the police gave them my guns to hold. Then called the crisis center and ask for help. It not only helped but it greatly interested me in helping other people. So please give your mind some rest, and get yourself informed on how to deal with how the mind can fool your sensibilities. You are a much better person, and your child needs you for years to come. Don't give their young mind and heart something to be sad about forever. I am hoping I can support you here too, These friends of mine have had full time careers raised families dealt with hard- ships ,,,the whole thing. You know you can too. All here for you!!

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[3845]
Aug 14

Hey Tru, I am sorry to read that this has been such a hard year for you. There are definitely seasons when it just feels like we can't get it together no matter how hard we try and that is exhausting. Glad you are here to get some support and encouragement. Keep coming back, even every day because that is what this community is all about.
I am sure you already have this but since you mention the crisis line, just keep it with you : National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-TALK.
And I agree with the others who have said put the gun someplace where it is not within reach.
How about writing to your daughter to let her know you are thinking about her even though you can't see her right now. Can you do that?

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[3845]
Aug 20

Hi Tru, I wanted to check back to see how you are doing this week?

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