I already felt like I lost a big part of who I thought I was

I already felt like I lost a big part of who I thought I was when I "woke up" and walked away from my crazy religious and obsessively controlling family. Now that I've found out I'm bipolar...I feel like I have no sense of self left. I don't know who I am anymore outside the highs and lows. How do you find purpose when every day is a constant struggle to pretend everything is normal and fine?When all your goals and aspirations you once had are now unreachable? How do you define yourself when your mind is a continually changing and morphing world of darkness and harmful euphoria? I find myself getting irritated at all the confusion...it starts to seem boring and redundant when you've been drowning inside your mind for so long.

Aug 13

One of the mistakes that I believe we all make is that we let the disorder define us. What makes more sense is to define the disorder. Every living person on the face of this earth is affected by moods. Some people only experience one mood their entire life span. (How Boring.) Some people get depressed, periodically. Some get elevated. Then there are those of us that change moods more rapidly. It's kind of like an automatic transmission in a car. It has Park ,Neutral, Drive and Reverse. Those stuck with one mood are in Park. Some are stuck in Drive and others, Reverse. With Bipolar, we are in Neutral. We can stay neutral (balanced) or we can go into Drive or Reverse. Even back and forth repeatedly until our tires dig a rut in the road.

In conclusion of that analogy, what is frustrating at first about Bipolar is we don't always know what gear we are going to go into. We feel like we don't have any control. That effects everything that we hold most dear. However, research has proven that there are certain chemicals that when ingested can influence and stabilize our mood. Our prescribers would rather we stay in neutral, but neutral is boring because we aren't moving.

In time, we learn what chemicals effect us and the dosage that works for us to achieve and stay in the gear (mood) we most prefer. Personally I like to be slightly elevated. My mind moves faster, I'm more creative, I'm more animated, more social. I can't stay there, I can exhaust myself. I eventually have to move back to neutral then wait till I'm ready to elevate again.

Instead of looking at Bipolar as a curse or a demise, look at it as a perk or advantage, just learn how to manage it. It takes time to dial yourself in. It is so worth it in the long run.

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