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I’ve been in a deep depression for more than a year. Soug

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I’ve been in a deep depression for more than a year. Sought help and medicinal regiment. Im 52, run my own company and my ex wife kicked my kids out of the house and they have lived with me for the past two years. My oldest got in trouble at school and for sharing pot and told me he didn’t do it. Since i believed him i didn’t bring a lawyer with us when he was questioned by the police and he got into trouble and more so because he lied to the police. H is mother jumped back into the picture at that moment and slammed me for being dumb as to not bringing a lawyer. Subsequently. He was expelled from school and put on probation which he successfully finished. Their mother and the kids gradually mended their relationship during this year in the recent months have begun splitting time between our homes. It’s made me feel good on the one hand but jealous and lonely on the other. During this year my brother and best friend developed cancer-lost a kidney- finished chemo and the cancer came back more aggressively and he is in clinical trials. My mother died after hard bout with Parkinson’s and my uncle died suddenly two weeks ago . My business has also become tougher with a lot of ups and downs in the past 4 months. I’ve become suicidal in the past month. My kids have gone the beach with mom for the rest of the summer and I’ve become obsessed with my suicide. I was diagnosed with bipolar after my only suicide attempt 30 years ago. The psychiatrist increased my lithium last week for the first time in 30 years. For the first time amidst my busy work day i spent time working on a plan and confirming post plans for my kids I tried finding local support groups that are on break for summer and not specific to bipolar. I went to one for family members of mental illness. It wasn’t really on Mark for me. I saw my my therapist on Friday who strongly suggested hospitalization. We even called a couple places but they had mandatory stays and I was afraid of being held against my will I watch Douglas Bloch videos about dealing with these feelings and suggestsmaking plans and going out with friends which i did alll last weekend but I’m reluctant to bring up these terrible feelings. I found a friend Friday night that stayed with me and listened without judgementThen I’ve come to my sisters home for the weekend -let her know and I can be around her family and be distracted my feelings have dissapated and I’m not online reading about suicide or the implications or how to- which is good. But I’m still sick. I’m scared. I want to feel happy. I want to be happy and passionate about things in life again I feel like I never will. Would they let me out of the hospital if I felt better the lithium increase kicked in? How do I meet others with bipolar? You know what’s unfair - I’ve been stuck with the depression and never gotten the upside manic in thirty years I’m trying not to feel hopeless. I’m trying to be social I’m trying to find somethings to be happy about again or passionate- it’s just been brutal Can anyone relate?

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kisobel's picture
[-709345]
Aug 18

Welcome here. I think you will find a lot of members here who will relate. You can talk about these feelings here without judgment.

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