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** Trigger Warning I got really sad yesterday because I was

frogger62's picture
[1025]

** Trigger Warning
I got really sad yesterday because I was trying to find a piece of paper my doctor gave me of a psychiatrist or something (psychologist?) that he said I need to go to. I've lost the paper once before and had to ask for a new one and it was embarrassing, so now I'm terrified that I've lost this one too. I made like a huge emotional deal out of it. Tonight I'm not doing super great. I was doing bad earlier. Last night I scratched up my legs pretty badly. All of and down, especially top of thighs. Summer and I can't wear shorts now. When I did it, it felt like a weird dream. I barely remember it. I only remembered in the morning when I woke up. Then this afternoon, I took a business card and folded it in half and used a pointy corny to dig a line across my thigh. That's not healthy? And I've been ripping off my toenails. A lot of times I think I don't have to go to a psychiatrist because I don't feel like I'm that bad and that I do stuff that a lot of people probably do, but then when I actually say it/type it it sounds really bad. Does it? But now tonight I'm not doing great. I don't know how to describe it. I'm not sad right now, that's definitely not it. I'm not anxious. I'm kinda... SUPER deep in thought and feel like I'm dreaming. What does this mean? It's been happening a lot more lately. I feel like I can understand stuff. Like really understand it. Kinda everything makes sense. I feel crazy? I probably won't even remember this in the morning. (Until I read it, then I'll remember it the same way you remember a dream you had while you were sleeping.) And the problem is during the day is when I'm like "I don't need to see a psychiatrist" because it doesn't seem bad to me during the day time. But then when it's actually happening I feel like, I definitely have to see someone? And lately I've been getting really really mad at little things. Almost violent. Not actually violent but like, especially driving. If someone cuts me off or something or ANYTHING I just hold my horn down and flip them off and it builds up like a RAGE in me and can ruin my day. It's getting worse too. Like, the rage that builds up over such little things. I'm going to copy all stuff I type when I feel dreamy like this, and I have been copying it so far, to print off and give to a psychiatrist if I see one. So then they can see what I'm like not during the day. And this only seems to happen at night. I get sad at night the most though. A dreamy thing starts when I feel myself getting really sad. More and more sad. Then all of a sudden I get this dreamy thing, where I'm not at all sad anymore. I just feel really deep and like I can understand everything. And I don't know if that's normal and I guess my point of this post is do I have something else? I've been diagnosed with depression and bipolar. I also think I might have dependent personality disorder but it hasn't been diagnosed. I'm on 150mg Zoloft and 200mg Lamictal. Can someone help just with any advice or if this is normal or what I should do. Thank you :)

Random side note - Isn't it weird how one little thing can change your life? Like for example for me, I would never have met my soul mate if some random girl met me on the internet and started talking to me even though I lived across the country, and then through her I met my soulmate. Like what if I had never ever started talking to her. What are the chances that I even DID talk to her.

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frogger62's picture
[1025]
Jul 8

@BarbaraDE I'm here if you ever need to talk <3

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[21005]
Jul 8

@frogger62

Only a psychiatrist can determine if you have any other mental illnesses. I am glad to hear that you decided to go to a psychiatrist to be properly diagnosed and treated. Also I know you are afraid to talk to the doctor about all of your thoughts, as example your suicidal thoughts. The only way a psychiatrist or a therapist can fully help you is to be honest with them and share everything that is bothering you. If you are unable to do that with the psychiatrist or therapist you see, you should talk with a different one until you find one that you are totally comfortable to talk about any personal things you are thinking about. It is not uncommon to change doctors for this reason. You definitely want to go to someone who can really help you. Good luck.

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newcomer94's picture
[10050]
Jul 11

It sounds like you're going through an episode. Definitely not good to inflict body harm. If it feels like a dream or you don't remember, perhaps you were in a state of depersonalization. It used to happen to me and it can feel like a dream.

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