My boyfriend always complained about my weight and I tried r

My boyfriend always complained about my weight and I tried really really hard to lose weight and eat less. But today I binge eat again! I feel terribly shameful of myself. I just dunno how to lose weight fast in a proper way. I feel really exhausted, be it mentally or physically. What should I do, I really want to look good in front of my bf :(

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[50]
Jul 17

@Valvent

Dear Val,

I'm so glad to talk to you really and I mean it! Having someone who understands all this and is willing to talk about it deeply is really conforting :D and thanks for your sharing too, it's really shocked to know that you've got so many things to do! (mine is like nothing when compare to yours :)

I am now interning in Slovakia, and I'll be leaving in two weeks' time. It has been great here and all the colleague are really encouraging and my sis told me that ive become happier after I left hk (judging from our texts) :D hope that I won't go back to those time when I go back there.

I am doing a law degree in Hong Kong and my mother language is Cantonese (not Mandarin which is for mainlander in China). I'd love to learn Portuguese/ French too but havent got time :(

I really feel you coz we cant tell other about it rite :( actually my sis discovered that one time but her response is to ask me to see a counselor. i'm not brave enough to go! It's like telling others you are a losing, you cant even control yourself on what you r eating (this is the shame that surrounds us rite :(
It must be much harder for you esp when you've got such a country culture and you are living a successful life. I can't imagine how you can keep this and not to tell others for years! It must be really hard for you riteeeee :( Ops, and one thing about refined food, I find that they are really the trigger food that causes me to binge, and yes we should try not to eat them. but the worst part for me is that my favorite food s bread- which is also most powerful trigger food! How about you haha?

Unlike you, I almost avoid all social life after I started to binge-eat - again coz of the shamefulness, I haven't got the perfect body( not thin enough) so I'd rather choose not to face anyone. I also do HIIT every day but I think it's definitely not enough :(

I am really glad to hear that you havent been binging for over two weeks!!! I will definitely read it. and I totally agree with what you said about emptiness, that's why I'm keeping myself busy now, like knitting a hat for my bf, writing essays...

I will be interning else where next year and taking a year of leave from school as well. Hope I could find the empowerment that I have been longing for (like what you said, the rest, purpose and achievement :D)

Please do share with me more, and I really love to talk to you :D (normally I hate texting others and I rarely use media like IG ahahahaa)

Best,
Ven

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Valvent's picture
[65]
Jul 18

@Venisa

Dear Ven.

Thank you so much for your message. So kind...

We are so much alike... It's almost scary. I have just found something else in common with you: I knit, and I love it. It's like medicine for anxiety.

First of all, you should be proud of your accomplishments. You sound like a very, very intelligent person. And a brave one too. You have the courage to start new projects in different countries with the same easiness that I go from one room to the other in my house. :-)

Second of all, you should be proud of your English. It's simply excellent! Where did you learn it? You should definitely start studying other languages. I wish I could teach you French. It's so much fun to learn...

By the way, how do you communicate in Slovakia? Do they speak English there?

I understand you when you say that you are not brave enough to share your condition, not even with a therapist. I understand your shame and you guilt for not being able to control your appetite. After all, it's something that seems easy for most people. Why not for us? Sometimes I catch myself, in public places such as restaurants and bars, envying people that seem to have such an easy relationship with food. If only I could be like that. My life would be much, much easier.

Just like yours, my trigger foods are refined carbs and obviously sugar. I simply adore anything made with refined flours. And the combination of flour and sugar is like a drug for me.

Let me tell you how it goes for me. Suppose I have been having some good days, eating only healthy foods (vegetables, fruits, yogurt, olive oil, eggs, whole grains, whole-grain bread) in reasonable amounts. Then, one day, because I am tired or anxious or whatever, at lunch I eat a little more than I should. Or maybe there is an office party and I eat a piece of cake (even if very, very small). Any deviation from my perfectly planned diet makes something snap inside of me. Then I think “Oh, whatever, I have already gotten out of track, I might as well have some fun”. And I go out and buy bread and butter and sweets and cookies and chips and ice cream and chocolate. (I have to buy them because I never have them at home or in my office). I find a safe place to hide from everyone else and I eat it all. Lots and lots of “bad” food. All at once, until I feel sick. And then I purge. And the horrible ritual of binging and purging ruins two days of my week: stomachache, nausea, headache, fatigue and sleeplessness. Needless to say, no matter how bad I am feeling physically, I feel ten times worse in my heart and in my mind too. I feel like a slave.

As for my social life, in that point we are different. I love being around people, I love music and happy occasions. And I would never sacrifice that. So, I try to stick to a very strict rule: I do not eat at parties. I have a great excuse, because I am vegetarian and most party foods are not vegetarian. I also tell people that I am controlling by blood sugar, because all my family is diabetic (which is true). So everyone knows that I go out for the fun and not for the food. People don't even expect me to eat and are surprised when I do. I have a snack or even a meal before I leave home and at the party I don't eat. The most that I allow myself is a glass of wine or beer. This technique has the extra advantage of making my social life much cheaper... :-)

Please, Ven, do NOT waste the best years of your life hiding from people and from joy because you don't feel perfect. Time is our most precious asset. The second is probably youth. It seems to me that you are not allowing yourself to have a good time when you could. Even if you don't look like a supermodel (very, very few humans do, anyway), I am sure you can make yourself look good and feel good about yourself. Promise me that you will try. I will not forgive you if you don't.

Best wishes.
Please write when you can.
Val

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[130]
Jul 18

@Venisa I like popsugar fitness they have workouts online with videos and they tell you how many calories. like it might say "burn 500 calories in an hour". the workouts are hard, so i assume i haven't burned that much and 500 calories isn't a lot, and i know i can't eat so much. working out makes me hungry and tired so i have to remember to nap but not eat a lot. or i have protein and less carbs. also i know that if i eat right after a heavy workout it burns off faster, so if i'm going to eat i eat right after.

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