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I've slipped back into my old habits... For the past coup

I've slipped back into my old habits...

For the past couple of months my eating habits have slowly but surely been deteriorating. Now I'm back in one of the worst episodes of bingeing/restricting (actually mainly just bingeing) I've ever experienced in my many years of BED. It has completely hijacked my life and I can't focus on anything else right now.

I'm a biochemistry student and I need to be studying, but with this going on, it's hard enough to even go to the lectures, to go out in public or to get anything done at all. I'm so angry that this is happening, that it's making me not care about my classes or what happens to me.

I'm also so scared about my health. I've obviously been gaining weight, and that's awful enough, but my body has just been feeling terrible. I'm sore and have constant stomach pains (including nausea, and not even that stops me from eating!), my liver/gallbladder/somethinglikethat hurts and I'm frequently super dehydrated because drinking fills up the stomach and I want to be able to stuff as much garbage as possible into it (I mean wtf...). And I can't tell anyone about it because I'm so, so ashamed. I wish I had bulimia (sort of, not really) because its more socially acceptable somehow and taken more seriously. 2 years ago I once went to a doctor to ask for help about my ED and I lied and said I had bulimia. I also told my friends I had bulimia. Binge eating just feels like more of a personal shortcoming than an eating disorder, and many people don't even known what it is.

Ugh. I'm not even seriously overweight (yet), but when I'm in a binge mindset, the only goal in life I have is to lose weight. And that fuels the cycle of not feeling good enough/eating so I don't have to think about all that.

It takes so much strength to pick yourself up and crawl out of a hole like this. I've done it before, but I just don't feel like I can do it this time... I'm wasting so much of my life just being miserable.

Sorry for the negativity, I just had to get this out of my system. I don't always feel so pessimistic about everything. What are your thoughts on all this? Please tell me what I'm doing wrong...

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[1295]
Dec 3

I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much right now. I've been where you are and understand. I think shame and guilt often keep us where we are. There is so much secrecy in the disorder. However, when we can find the courage to reach out and share with a trusted friend/family member what we are struggling with, the shame is often greatly lessened! I know it's not easy, but I would highly recommend sharing with someone. Support is so needed. You don't have to go through this alone or be ashamed. So many people struggle with it! Binge eating is the outward physical component of what we are dealing with mentally and emotionally. To really be able to heal and get over this, those feelings and emotions have to be confronted and new coping strategies need to be learned. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist as well. I thought I would share this great resource with you to help you better understand and possibly find hope in all of this! Wishing you the best! https://list.ly/list/1erM-youve-spent-enough-time-at-war-with-yourself

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[200]
Dec 5

Oh man, I know what you're talking about. I struggled with an eating disorder for many years and I know the hold it can have on you! Have you tried to go to a doctor? Does anyone else know you are struggling with this? Can someone be your accountability partner through this time? I hope you find help and freedom!!

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[220]
Dec 12

I completely understand what you are going through. I have struggled with an eating disorder for 13 years now and it has mainly been bulimia/binge eating, I have tried to get help in the past but have always been told I'm not 'bad enough' for 1 to 1 support. I recently went travelling for 6 months and because I was constantly around people I didn't binge and lost a lot of weight, on returning to the UK my binging got bad again so I went to the doctors and only now because of my weight are they finally listening.
It makes me so angry because I was my worst when I was at my highest weight, I was bingng and purging 3 or 4 times a day and was suicidal but because of my weight i wasn't 'bad enough.' If i'd been given the help then I might not be in this mess now.
The only thing I can say is that you are not alone, and don't feel like you are doing anything wrong exactly. Eating disorders are hard and complicated and binging is often a completely natural human reaction to stress or food restriction. Be kind to yourself, try not to punish yourself and keep reminding yourself of why you want to be at university. Keeping hold of who you really are away from your eating disorder goes a long way on the steps to recovery.

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