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I am a former bulimic, but since I stopped purging by throwi

thalassa's picture
[3775]

I am a former bulimic, but since I stopped purging by throwing up (~6 years ago), I began purging for my overeating / binge eating by over-exercising. In that way, I haven't gained any weight from my binges, though I have some digestive distress and terrible mental imprisonment to show for it. I live remotely in the mountains, far from any towns, and only go into town once a week to teach yoga. Town is also really small without much going on. I feel really alone and need support or a mentor. In a way, I can feel that my destructive habits are nearing their end, but it scares me to death because I have no idea what I will do without them. What do I do if I am not constantly focused on food? My job is to caretake a property with my husband, but there's really not a lot to keep me busy with that as it's mostly work for him. In the winter when the property owners are no longer coming to visit and the snow makes work little-to-none, I'm really left without much to do. I should be grateful for so much free time, and sometimes I utilize it to my best, but most of the time I opt to just eat what ever the hell I want, then spend hours out hiking or running to compensate. It gives me something to do, and I'm so used to this form of imprisonment that I'm not sure how else to be. Not only that, but because of my childhood traumas, in a way I don't feel deserving of happiness. So every time I start feeling good and relaxed and happy, I become anxious because I just know that something's going to happen to destroy the feeling. Since I feel certain of this, I usually opt to create the suffering myself so that I am not left guessing when it's going to happen.
I feel so lost and confused and lonely. I wish I had support...

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thalassa's picture
[3775]
Jul 14

@L2015 I do really love being remote out here! I have lived in big cities before, and it's way too stimulating; it increases my anxiety like no other. The town is ~ 5,800 people, which is pretty sizeable. Feels like a big city when we go. Hahah

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[18370]
Jul 15

Hi, I once lived in a town of population 10,000. Yes, it did feel like a small city - it was big enough! Lots of stores, a library, a town green for events, a university, etc. Even an AA meeting.

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thalassa's picture
[3775]
Jul 16

@L2015 Small, compact, and just enough to keep busy!

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