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I sit up at night and eat things I know I shouldn't. There's

JM1320's picture
[515]

I sit up at night and eat things I know I shouldn't. There's no good reason or excuse because I know I can stop myself, I just don't want to. I only get free time at night and that's when I really get sad. The snacks comfort me somehow. I can feel my stomach reaching its limits and I still think in my head that I'm going to eat more. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I guess it depends on how much I want my stomach to hurt later. I think I do it because in that little time I'm eating whatever it is, my brain shuts off and I don't think about anything. I'm not stressed, or tired, sad or lonely. I'm just enjoying that moment of eating. Its especially gotten worse since there isn't much to do anymore and not working or having a car has hindered me tremendously. I walk sometimes but I don't even have the mental energy for that much anymore. I feel like I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back all the time. It's a constant battle but I'm trying my hardest not to give up. I know there must be some reason I am still here. I have some purpose. I just wish it didn't have to be so sad trying to figure it all out. I've had a lot happen in 3 years. Death of family (parents died 5 months apart) and friends, assault which resulted in a child, mental, emotional and verbal abuse, loss of job and car, hair loss, illness, loss of 5 year relationship and postpartum depression. I probably should have given up a long time ago but something in me keeps fighting. Even when I cry so hard and so much my head hurts for 2 days straight, I keep fighting. I have this one life and I'm going to figure out a way to eventually enjoy it. I'm going to figure out how to smile or laugh without bursting into tears. I'm going to learn how to make friends and go out sometimes to enjoy myself. I'm going to hold my little girl and kiss her sweet cheeks and let her know how much I love her. And even if I never manage to figure it all out, I'm going to keep trying. I have to right?

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JM1320's picture
[515]
Jul 31

@Incroyablegirl This may sound silly but she saved my life. She truly is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for giving me a bit of your strength. You have no idea how much it was needed and appreciated.

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[50]
Jul 31

@JM1320 i don't know what city/state/country you live in, but many hospitals' outpatient clinics offer free therapy for patients that can't pay, psychology students in programs at universities might offer free counseling. many times, but not all, the clinicians are students getting their masters in counseling, etc. medical neighborhood clinics are also a good resource for free -- or sliding scale -- therapy. years ago, i had student therapists for a low cost and several were really quite good & effective.

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Incroyablegirl's picture
[195]
Aug 1

@JM1320 It doesn't sound silly at all. Sending love to you and your angel. Hope ypu get through this much stronger and we are here for you.

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