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Losing my mind. Chronic back pain for 15 yrs and it gets re

MissNiki's picture
[60]

Losing my mind. Chronic back pain for 15 yrs and it gets really really bad some days (weeks/months) and this week I’ve been dangerously depressed and feeling really sorry for myself. I have several ministry related responsibilities that are getting harder to keep up with and it makes my mood even worse. Thought a lot about killing myself this week. Haven’t tried but I made sure I have the right medications in my house to do it. I hate feeling this defeated but the pain is eating away at what little resolve and fight I had left.

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[2170]
Feb 14

@MissNiki I so get it and when my pain felt non-stop, I actually did consider suicide. Two days in a row. After 2 weeks of getting up and down relief, I seriously wondered why I'd been born. I am very careful not to give advice re suicide because the last thing I wanted when I was there, was someone reminding me about all the good things in my life. All I wanted was to vent and Yes, Say... that If this my life, if it's going to be non-stop pain, then I don't want to be here. I said that to a nurse on the Nurseline. She was gentle with me when she said, You've been up a lot of blind alleys, tried things that didn't help,etc etc and waiting for appointments and professionals who haven't helped is, of course, extremely frustrating. What about a pain management team? Then she found one and gave me their website and a telephone number. I felt much better after that. I am battling too many things I think. Mental illness, addicton, chronic pain from scoliosis, grief from my failed marriage and now fear from financial insecurity (At this point I can't work). NO ONE told me to think of my kids re suicide, I DID. I love them so much. I have two boys in their twenties. They're beautiful. THAT'S what kept me from doing anything. And Yeah, I don't see them much because one recently moved and the other is involved with school and work and presently in Vietnam visiting his girlfriend. You mentioned sobriety so I'm curious because some of my pain meds require food intake and as a compulsive overeater with almost 3 1/2 years of abstinence, that an be challenging and trigger me to eat more than I need. So a flip remark like, Think of all the people you'd be hurting, can sometimes make me long to tell someone to effing die. Ask me how you can help, what I think I need; those are supportive responses. Maybe I can contribute to this world by reminding even chronic pain sufferers to be careful how they respond to someone who is feeling suicidal. Being judgmental and laying a guilt trip is not helpful. If that's what you're about to do, STOP yourself. Instead ask pertinent questions that show you care.

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[270]
Mar 4

I get depressed when I'm having a bad pain week or month or however long also. I've thought about how nice it would be to just not be anymore. It's a scary place to been in. When you hurt not only emotionally but physically too is exhausting and horrible, no one knows what that is like unless they experience it as well. But think of all the things you haven't done yet. All the music you haven't heard yet. All the books you have yet to read. All the FOOD you haven't tried yet (man, I love food). Keep in mind, God created the oceans, mountains, the freaking sky and galaxies and He still looked around at you and said, "Yes, I want her here too."

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[700]
Mar 5

@NaMag do hope that you have found an avenue of help with the pain management team. Your words are so helpful, thank you for sharing.

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