Hi. I am new here. My husband thinks he has Asperger's but h

HelpMeDeal's picture
[75]

Hi. I am new here. My husband thinks he has Asperger's but has not been diagnosed. His therapist agrees he might have it (according to hubby). Our couple's therapist seems a little less sympathetic. From what I have read, he has some symptoms and not others. He is VERY emotional, not flat of affect at all, which makes me wonder. But he has other symptoms, like poor social skills, awkward sex skills, hyperfocus on baseball, hard time communicating, etc.

Meanwhile our marriage of 18 years is improving but he still drives me nutso in so many ways. I am considering divorce and reading he will never change, but I have seen some improvement. He claims he wants to change certain things (e.g. he is a SLOB and it has depressed me our whole marriage, he is a hoarder with an affinity for baseball cards and office supplies, when he does a task (like laundry) he can't finish...he always leaves things everywhere, leaves cabinets open when in the kitchen, etc.) I feel disrespected and he feels misunderstood. He says he is trying but can't change certain things no matter how hard he tries.

We are trying something with the therapist suggested regarding cleaning up his own messes (keeping a list to help him). I told hubby after counseling today that if he CAN'T do the task (he has 6 weeks to find out), we nee dot go get a legitimate diagnosis.

When do you keep trying (me) and when do you give up? I am exhausted and spent and going into a depression. There is obviously more, but I'll start with that.

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PattyG's picture
[2135]
Aug 12

Actually, Error101, I've read several of you comments and can tell you are a very angry person and all the problems that you tend to have with your jobs and co-workers seem to be associated with this. I wish I could help you let go of some of that anger, but I don't know how. If you could just find something that brought you peace. I just fixed a zen garden on my patio and it's so relaxing to sit out there and make designs in the sand. I get angry a lot and I don't understand people, which is why I get angry. I will let things keep me up for days because I'm so bothered by it and I'm working on trying to let these things go. I get angry when I think negative thoughts - like feeling my life would have been so much better if I had been diagnosed years ago instead of having to struggle all my life without knowing why. I get angry at the way I was treated or currently treated. But the anger does nothing to fix anything, it just keeps me up at night, so I'm trying to dwell on better things. Please find something that makes you feel happy and spend more time doing that. I know you're suffering and I don't know how to help you, only you can change what you spend your time thinking about and doing. Make it a good thing and I'll pray for peace for you.

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PattyG's picture
[2135]
Aug 12

@PattyG I'm sorry - I misworded this reply. I didn't mean they are not all the same as in diagnosis. I meant, no 2 people with the diagnosis is the same.

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[165]
Aug 12

He needs a diagnosis and then an action plan. If he does have Aspergers, find a way to accept him for who he is and not try to make him who you want him to be. He needs your patience and understanding cause nothing he does is to get on your nerves, he just has a hard time navigating life. Being untidy and disorganised is common with ASD. But if you love him you will try to understand how difficult it is navigating in a world where everything is different for him. But first and for most get a diagnosis, learn all you can about it in the mean time. 18 years is a long investment from you, don't give up on him just yet. Try not to give up until you truly know what you are dealing with, then and only then can you make an informed choice to stay or leave. Diagnosis, diagnosis, diagnosis. Good luck!

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