Right now, I've got everything going through my head. I use
Right now, I've got everything going through my head. I use TV and movies to give myself a break, but it's still there waiting and comes on full attack every chance it gets and I haven't even been able to use meds to make it go away and nobody understands. Everybody thinks it's my fault I'm having to deal with it and don't understand tht I don't have control over it, but wish it could be that easy. I had surgery in October, February, and last Tuesday, with at least 3 more surgeries to go and a butt-load of medical conditions, doctors, physical therapists, occupational therapists, nurses, and medicines to deal with every day. I'm thinking about all of that, trying to get into a Rehab hospital (because of the last surgery mainly), how to function in my house, how scary it is that I can't wear my prosthetic leg because of the last surgery being removing an abscess from my stump. How deathly scared I am of going downhill with just my one leg to keep me from falling on my face should my power chair tip forward. My son's going through a rough time, but still not letting me be a part in his life even though I raised him by myself and was always there for him. The fact that he won't let me be a part of his life and that sending messages through my mom on Facebook is the only way to contact him, but now I'm told it's stressing her out and she feels she and daddy have done more than enough for us, which they have. I hate to ask them for even the smallest thing because of it. Then my mind goes back to all the times I've had to ask for help or my major accident that put me in the hospital/rehab for several months which put an enormous amount of stress on my family. And I was already worried enough about my son because of his own medical conditions ADHD, OCD, ODD, Depression, Anxiety, Autism, FSGS (Chronic Kidney Disease), and Nephrotic Syndrome. Now I'm wondering what else is happening to him that he still feels he can't come to me about. He just doesn't want me to be a part of his life at all for some reason and refuses to talk to me about it. And that still doesn't cover everything. I've been out of school for several months because of my two knuckle replacement surgeries due to Rheumatoid Arthritis. They're saying I have to pay for the cl*** I didn't ***, thugh I tried my best. I have to request a grade appeal and hope that works or I'll owe over $2k to the school. I need to get the FAFSA stuff started, get in touch with my advisor to help with the appeal and getting me started in my cl***es again. Then I resume with my school-related stress because I just don't have enough to stress about right now. The worst is that I get attacked by all of these stressors all at once, whether I want to or not. I can't just worry about one or two at a time and bench the rest until I'm ready to deal with them. That would be too easy and convenient. If I start thinking of any of them, the rest seems to think I'm calling on them also. I guess you could say that my Anxiety is a major trigger for my Depression. I'm supposed to start counseling on May 6. I'm not sure if that's going to help, but I guess I'll at least have a sounding board to air things. Although I'm not eating much because I've just lost my appetite for any food. I'm losing weight (210 to 193 in about a month or so, but then :-( gained 2lbs), which is a good thing because I have tons and tons to lose, but then I'm scared of others finding out and just adding more stress to my life. I just don't think I can handle much more. That and having to wear my facade of being cheerful and not a thing to worry about every time I see or talk to anyone. And the cycle starts over.
That is a lot on your plate! Goodness, how can we best help support you?
I think you'll find counseling does help because it will be someone to talk to - without judgement without having to pretend. Which...I know it's hard with everything going on but try not to feel that you have to wear the facade of being cheerful with nothing to worry about - you have been in a horrible accident with lots going on -- be yourself, let others in to share your burdens. You will be surprised too by how many other people are depressed and have anxiety and while it may not be for the same reasons you won't feel as alone if you share.