I am struggling... I went to a therapeutic boarding school w

[225]

I am struggling... I went to a therapeutic boarding school where i suffered emotional and sexual abuse. I was sixteen when my parents hired two men to pull me out of a car, they told me i would be taken to my new home. I remember this to be terrifying and I looked at my mom as she put her head down and let these strangers handcuff me and put me in a car. The car ride was cold and scary and we drove for six hours sleeping at a gas station in the middle of the night until we finally went through three different flights and finally arrived in Iowa. I remember being scared. I was handcuffed and when I asked to use the restroom i was told that one person must be in the stall with me at the airport while I use the restroom. I felt as if I was legally kidnapped and my parent (the people I felt would protect me through anything) let me down. I was sixteen, half way across the county and completely alone with two strangers who handcuffed me and watched me use the restroom. But if I could look back on everything, this was the good part of my story that has caused me anxiety like i've never felt before and abandonment issues that are unfathomable. I finally arrived to Iowa where I was greeted and hand offed to two other scary men. They told me that I could choose one meal because I would not be seeing food like fast food in a long long time. The people were almost happy they were torturing me and now I knew why. after coming home I found out that these "transporters" were actually paid thousands and thousands of dollars and it is a huge lucrative business that is growing to essentually kidnap teens and take them to these "boarding schools" We arrived at the "school" and I was greeted by two girls in immaculately clean outfits all looking the exact same. They warned me that the best way to get through this was with my head down and mouth shut. So i did. I was taken into a room no bigger than a closet and stripped of everything I had. They watched me undress and examined my piercings almost as if they hadn't seen them in years. They were amazed at my tan body and commented on my hygeine which would soon be compromised by what I was about to endure. It wasn't until I went into general population that I truly understood where I was. I was in a cult. The one girl (the ONLY one aloud to talk) explained to me we write down the rule book. The rules were enough to make me accept I was somewhere that was not normal. This was not somewhere my parents would willingly send me. Not one person spoke because you are not aloud to talk except for thirty minutes a day supervised and ONLY if your levels add up. I was told the rules consisted of not looking outside windows for fear you might make a "run plan", we walked in a line everywhere we went counting our headcount numbers outloud through every threshole. When we approached a doorway we must get granted permission to cross and when we finally got into the dining hall for a meal I realized it was depressing. You are not aloud to make eye contact with anyone, you are not aloud to mix you food or use condiments, someone must see that I ate every last piece on my plate even if I didn't like it and I was only allotted one bottle of water for hours. I was not aloud to use to restroom all but three times a day called "bathroom breaks". I was abandoned and i still feel abandoned. I stayed there for years and only saw my parents one time. I was somewhere where if I was out of sight I wasn't truly there. When I turned 18 I decided I was going to make a different life for myself and that was not where I belonged. I graduated high school, am currently in college but my past doesn't seem to leave me alone. I wake up with a lonliness I can't explain. I cry at 3 a.m. or when I wake up the first thing I do is think of a way out. I am so sad and abandoned. I feel that my family truly doesn't care and I am alone in this world. My boyfriends have left me the same way my parents did a while ago. To make matters worse in 2016 a FBI investigation led to raid and shutdown of the boarding school I was at. I was told by FBI they gave parents 24 hours to get their kids or they would be in protective custody. They arrested the man in charge of all of this but the scars have never gone away. The feeling of abuse I endured for years feels liek it happened yeterday and I feel so stupid talking about something like it happened yesterday when in reality it happened 5 years ago. I don't know what to do. I don;t know who I am anymore. Im lost and I want to end everything

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[140]
May 19

I actually don't know what to tell you. I cannot imagine myself in your shoes. But one thing I can tell you for sure. S. Just let the past behind. Look for a bright future. Things will change. Don't take decisions why you are emotional.

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Northguy's picture
[107565]
May 19

For whatever its worth, I definitely don't think its strange to feel like this is very present and affecting you five years later. I've read only a little about institutions like this, but it sure doesn't sound surprising at all that these sorts of institutions cause lasting trauma. Making yourself feel worse for feeling bad is just a trick that our unhealthy mental tendencies use to try and push us deeper into misery I think. It might help to try and consciously choose the kind of caring, nurturing self-talk for yourself that you didn't get from others during this experience instead of self-criticism. I've found this to be both helpful and rather difficult, I confess, but it does seem worth it for me and may be useful for you too.

That's my two cents at any rate. Anyhow welcome to SG and hope you like it here.

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