Hello, I'm new and decided that sharing my struggles anonymo

[120]

Hello, I'm new and decided that sharing my struggles anonymously might help me somehow, as friends and family often aren't equipped to truly know how to react to some of my concerns.
I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, I've assumed that's what it is as I often have panic attacks where I begin hyperventilating, find it hard to breath and have to wait a while for it to pass. I also feel like my heart is racing when I try to sleep, and I sigh a lot without being aware of it. I have a lot of stiff muscles, and my neck aches a lot which at night sometimes gives me bad migraines.
I am graduating, and waiting for answers from schools I applied to- as I want a masters in sustainability science and society studies. This past year has been so hard, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer over the summer, I had to move out unexpectedly because she had to sell her home and I was still struggling financially. I also had an unwanted pregnancy, which I discovered very early, but had to go through an abortion which I never thought I'd have to experience. I began judging myself harshly for taking that decision and allowing that to happen to me, even though the alternative would be me raising a child alone when I can't even take care of myself, relying on financial assistance and not be able to continue my career goals. I also had to get my **** together alone, and quickly, because my boyfriend had moved to the states and I couldn't stress my mother out with my problems during her treatments which already made her very vulnerable. I also had to go clean her home while it was being sold, and in general take care of her as the treatment made her sick and exhausted and she had a very strict diet- can't touch certain products and clean etc... So I really had to pull it together, and conceal my problems so that she can focus on healing. Without truly telling anyone about it, people around me kept talking about abortions, some judging harshly in front of me those who go through it, it was ****ty as hell. After that I tried to get all A's that semester to boost my GPA, while working part time to pay for rent and things I didn't have to worry about as much. bye savings.
I contemplated suicide quite a lot, which I had never done before. I once had even planned the whole thing without telling anyone about it because I felt ready, and it took a lot to stop myself, I decided to find time for myself to do fun things and distract my mind from so much negativity. I can only fake being fine/happy for so long, and I think that's what made it worse for me.
I fking cried a lot, like it made me feel so **** guilty cause I don't think I'm in a terrible situation, there are many things I'm thankful for. But I still had panic attacks, a lot of stress, and cried over the dumbest things almost every day it was so exhausting. Eating and in general taking care of myself, felt like a chore. it took so much out of me.

My mother is doing much better now- she had surgery to remove the tumor after chimo, I'm happy to say she'll be recovering fast now and she's almost done with her treatments. and I've learned to cope a lot better with my stress but it's still a struggle.
My main challenge right now is looking for better work (internship), trying to not lose my mind waiting for answers from schools, and not feel worthless. I can't quite understand why I hesitate so much to apply to internships, and I feel like I have to spend a lot of time on dealing with my anxiety.

thanks for reading

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norseduncan's picture
[83960]
Mar 20

@salth be patient with yourself, ok? you have had a lot going on. work at what you want, and you will get there. there's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying

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[120]
Mar 20

I really appreciate your kind words and encouragement

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norseduncan's picture
[83960]
Mar 21

@salth that's what we are here for! I think when you find the right direction to move in, you will take those steps. :-)

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