Pride Month, COVID comes a knockin and Queen Bee Beyonce
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Dear whoever is listening I hope you're doing well. I am st

Dear whoever is listening
I hope you're doing well. I am still alive, still breathing, and i intend on staying that way.
But god, do i wonder why I do sometimes...

I am a part of the graduating class of 2020. I was only looking foreward to graduation as the end of high school, so everything that has happened to complicate that ahsnt bothered me all that much (still got to walk, in front of city hall) I joke that this year of graduates already made history, and that that is enough for me. Sure, i'll go with that. On the ride out to lunch afterwards, me and my girlfriend broke up over text.

Two years isnt a long relationship for most, but none of this is about the facts of the matter. Two years of being inseperable, of being in a relationship serious enough to be considering having kids together later. There was rarely a thought one of us had, that wasnt shared with the other. Now it's over.

Beyond that, i spent the last day, and night before both my graduation day, and the day that i experinced my first real breakup crying, and afraid that my girlfriend thought i was a monster. The explanation is too long for this little letter: I essentially avoided answering a question to help cope with some anxiety that i had. This led her to believe i would do awful things to people. I hope that is enough of an explanation.

Beyond all of this, there are other things that have worried me (I have GAD, and likely have OCD.) I have had no job, no real work experince, and no future career i look foreward to: no dreams to call my own. I have had more than fifteen different jobs that i have wanted to go through with, and none of them give me any desire to continue with them. I've always been one to have quickly changing intrests, and it is incredibly frustrating. I also need some goal to work towards, otherwise i just cant finish anything: i need to feel like its worth it. Well, regardless i have nothing like that: I can see no future ahead of me.

Here is the most important part of this letter, and the reason i wrote it: I am going to tell you how i feel. I feel like i have neither a future to look forward to, nor a past to look back fondly on. My past was constantly accompanied by stress, and anxiety that simply never left. Everywhere i look, i see stress and worry. Every step i take is taken in fear, and with a sense of hopelessness. Every thought i have, is either a worry, or a distraction from the crushing reality that i can't see what life is worth anymore. I used to be selfless to a fault, and now i cannot see anyone but myself: I just can't help anyone anymore, even as i used to spend most of my time doing so. I spent so much of my own time trying to show people that how they feel matters, that people who say "it is just phase" are just missing the fact that this is part of being human: We live to feel.

Today, i am still breathing, i hope to be tomorrow as well. I don't want to die...
I am afraid of dying, it's one of the most useful fears i possess. Beyond that, i suppose I've made a habit out of living: one of the few 'good' habits i have.

I simply ask that people do not disregard what i, or anyone, says just because it doesn't pose a threat to their well being. Do not disregard a persons feelings, just because they have no scars to prove their hatred for their body, or their pain, or their heartache, or what have you. Leave the termites in the floor boards, and they will rot away with time. When a person explains how they feel, cherish it as a sign that that person will become better, that they can grow and change. To do anything else is a travesity: a grave error, perhaps literally....

The honest truth is im tired of trying to find my way in life, it is all i have been doing for years now. All of the stress, panic attacks, worried thoughts, and cautious action. I don't want even know if i want someone to fix me, because it never feels like anyone even knew i was broken in the first place. I spent years trying to change the way the world works, by being that change. I just can't do that anymore, but i haven't forgotten what it was i wanted....

I just want people to feel their emotions matter, and that they need not be justified. I wonder sometimes who else feels the same way...

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CKBlossom's picture
Jun 30

I know that at 18 you feel like you should have all the answers and that your life should be something you feel able to map out, but you are just beginning your adult journey. This is a scary and exciting time, yes, COVID has put a damper on things, yes you thought you would be with your first girlfriend forever, but I assure you, life will go on. You will look back on this time with a smile, you will learn and grow so much in the next couple of year, don't give up!


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