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Cranky Northguy Rambling Rant Fair warning, I am in hardc

Northguy's picture
[110990]

Cranky Northguy Rambling Rant

Fair warning, I am in hardcore hermit mode lately and while I'll read and appreciate replies, I may well not respond to them. Also I'm not really asking for advice just venting my frustration to hopefully stop dwelling on it, and I'm doing it here because. again, hermit, and I don't have my therapist to talk to til thursday. Also, my complaints are in some ways about problems others would love to have. Stress about sharing the family house sure does beat not having one, and while no one would envy me for having a dead mom, it is still true that she had life insurance and so my life could be so, so much worse than it is even if mom's will left things in just an incredibly dumb state of affairs. Logically I recognize things could be far worse, but I'm still ticked and going to complain, so if reading that will bother you, just stop now.

I"m back to sharing a house with my brother again. Apparently his grades were tanking so his college booted him out for at least a year (at the end of which they may or may not actually take him back). I deeply like my solitude, and am now sharing a house with a person who I do not have a good relationship with in the slightest.

I've been writing and deleting drafts with my various complaints, and I can't seem to figure out how much to say here. Most of the time its not too bad even, it's just driving me nuts today. Most of the time we pretend the other doesn't exist and it works out alright, but today we had to talk to discuss some matters relating to my mom's estate he's been procrastinating (and I've been stressing) about for all of '18 to date. I seriously mean that. He started to just completely ignore all attempts to get in contact with him, for months. He's always been a procrastinator but this was a bold new frontier even for him. Now that we're in the same house, he can't ignore the issues any longer and its good we're finally making progress its just got me very high strung because my simmering stress about this kicks into higher gear now that i'm finally getting to do something about it. Portions of the conversation are also really ticking me off but I'm trying to let it go. Things are going alright, as much as I want to rub his nose in his own hypocrisy about some things, that would not do any good at all, so I gotta just keep my irritation bottled up and process it internally in as minimally unpleasant a way as possible.

But yeah, I cannot wait to get out of this house. Its owned by my mom's estate trust for now you see so he has every right to be here too. We were planning to sell once he was done with college and didn't need place to come back to, but with this new development plus the high value local housing market I really don't want to wait. I wish we could sell this year, but even if I could persuade him (I haven't broached the subject yet, one thing at a time is a big enough struggle with the boy) I just can't envision us doing what we'd need to do to get it on the market in a reasonable timeframe. So I'm hoping we can manage next summer (apparently the best time to sell) and the housing market doesn't crash or anything as we wait. I'm just sick of being tied to him at all really. Mom wrote her will when we were kids and didn't update it when we became adults (who can barely stand each other), so the way she left things has really been just a huge ongoing pain. I would genuinely be thrilled if this place just outright burned down and I could just get out there and start over with my share of the insurance money. Admittedly there are a few things i'd like to save, but honestly I'm not a big physical memento sort of person and the stress of the whole process of moving out and selling utterly terrified me even before the new stress/loss of my fortress of solitude occurred. So yeah, I've been highly stressed (unreasonably so, but recognizing that does not calm me in the slightest) and today the stress moving from simmering to boiling over a bit and I needed to complain.

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Northguy's picture
[110990]
May 15

@Needafriend2 that after death process can definitely throw a lot of extra stress on during the time when you least need it. Everybody's situation is different I'm sure, but I'm glad to hear my experience helped you get a clearer idea of how to best handle yours.

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Northguy's picture
[110990]
May 15

@thinskinned48 It sounds like you're doing a good job of handling things. Planning for how things will go after your death really is a difficult but extremely considerate thing to do for your loved ones for sure. I will refrain from blowing up at my brother, heh, though I admit at times it sounds tempting.

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Northguy's picture
[110990]
May 15

I'm rather tired and sad tonight. This, in a way, is a good thing. You see on Monday, after a week of trying to get my brother to finish our previous conversation (seriously he's not doing too well mentally, so while this was very irritating to delay, I admit I can understand it) we finally got that matter almost wrapped up. Now we're watiing on some other people, and I am very relieved. I have spent the last two days without saying a word to him and it is great :)

However, me being me, my brain is less than grand. As my anxiety lessens, my natural tendency is to go into a sort of "blech, I feel empty" sort of depression. Not miserable or anything really, just tired and hollow. I'll come out of it in time. Its just an unfortunate pattern, but at least I know that its going on and so don't really worry about it.

Anyhow feeling a bit lonely tonight, which is perfectly reasonable as I am utterly alone. A part of me wishes I could have a friend again, but after having so many friendships just sort of wither away, I am reluctant to take that risk again. Admittedly, the fact that the risk seems more like a certainty has something to do with it. I'm not criticizing anyone, human relationships are tough and sometimes people who used to get along well just sort of drift apart and its not anyone's fault, its just an unfortunate risk of these things.

Anyhow nothing really feels fun or satisfying tonight so I'm not able to distract myself too well. Hence the post here. Here's hoping I feel better tomorrow.

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