(kind of a long post) So I've been questioning my sanity fo

hopexo's picture
[6600]

(kind of a long post)
So I've been questioning my sanity for a while now. I panicked and joined the schizophrenia group when my thoughts became more horrifying than usual. I can actually relate to a lot of people here. Can someone help me figure out if I'm okay or if I should be worried...?

I started believing in ghosts and spirits a few years ago, and if I had ever mentioned to anyone, it would seem like a childish fantasy. But I felt real connections. I had a constant sense of uneasiness that got worse when I did the little rituals I'd come up with. A normal person would probably get over the first few incidents and move on, but I just kept making connection after connection until I strongly believed I was involved in some kind of spirit war. Honestly, I still believe it today, but I deny everything that could sound suspicious.

Fast forward a year or two and the connections are still piling up, trapping me in my own mind. I started to create my own dark alternate realities, maybe as an escape from whatever reality had become. But I was literally torturing myself. Common scenarios are a war going on, someone being suicidal, someone being afraid of their family or their society. I've driven myself to tears a few times. And sometimes events in my mental world would even line up with events in my personal life, like something would happen in my world and I'd make it into a metaphor for something in my personal life. So, more and more connections. I still have this mental world, and it's still dark and terrifying, but over the last couple years it's become more comfortable. I have a therapist and I've tried describing this to her, but I'm not comfortable with admitting the entire thing out loud and it came out sounding more like a nice creative activity.

I was recently trying to find information online to help me understand what's going on, and I found the term 'paracosm' to relate to this alternate world I'm attached to. I also think it's likely that I have this almost-unheard-of disorder called maladaptive daydreaming, which could help explain feeling dissociative and confused and somewhere in between two realities. I read that maladaptive daydreaming is often misdiagnosed as schizophrenia. But does anything else here indicate something on the spectrum, or a risk of developing in the future? I'm just constantly scared for myself. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

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[610]
Aug 12

Hi @hopexo! I don't have schizophrenia either, but I can relate to creating a "world of darkness" as I called it. A few months ago, I guess the pressure from school really got to my head, because I would only listen to heavy rock music and retreat to my "world of darkness", which was like a dark fantasy/Sci-Fi world. I don't remember how I got out of it, but recently I have been doing much better. I'm trying to think positively, and when that doesn't work, I try to remind myself of all the things I'm grateful for.

Something that also really helps me is writing, because I am passionate about writing. And keeping a journal does help me some, too, because it reminds me of not just the bad that happens in the day, but also the good. I think at least writing down the fantasies that happen in your world you've created could help you, too. That's the best advice I've got.

I hope you find ways that work for you to deal with your fantasies, I know you can get better!

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hopexo's picture
[6600]
Aug 12

@resistance7 thank you, I can relate to a lot of that. I've written down a few of the fantasies. I keep a journal mostly about how I'm feeling but I've drifted away from it lately. People would be terrified of me if they knew some of the things I write.

This dark world is less of a problem now than it was in the past, even though I almost cried today. I have no desire to get rid of it but I can't help wondering what my problem is.

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[610]
Aug 12

@hopexo I'm glad that it's less of a problem for you now. I would definitely recommend keeping the journal regularly updated.

I have that problem sometimes, too, not knowing what's wrong with me, like why I don't feel happy at random moments, but then I'll try to identify the problem, and then I'll have to reassure myself. For example: This person doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Reassurance: There's nothing you can do about that right now, and he won't be able to talk to you until the end of August anyway, so don't even bother thinking about him. Sorry, that's a rather odd example, but it was the first that came to mind. :)

Then I'll just have to move on to thinking about something that makes me happy.

Also, I always think that if people knew everything about me, they'd think I was messed up, and many of my friends are like that, too. We're not alone, everyone just pretends they're not as screwed up.

Anyway, hope things just keep getting better for you!

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