Being high functioning is awful. (Not that being unable to f

HarleenQ's picture
[570]

Being high functioning is awful. (Not that being unable to function isn't equally awful) but the down side to being high functioning is people expect a lot. They think you got this. They put it all on your shoulders and inside you are doing all you can to hold yourself together. Run this lab, direct these people, be a good mom, take care of yourself, plan a huge wedding, help your mom out, be there for your friends, be a good wife, keep a clean house, pay the bills.
Sometimes I secretly miss the psych wards. No one expected anything of me. (Again I'm aware things are good for me)

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HarleenQ's picture
[570]
Oct 13

@Error101 well its rough. I actually am trying to move to another lab in a higher position. An ex coordinator at the lab I work is now being promoted in her new lab and she is trying to get me as her replacement. But she tells me it isn't guaranteed and it might take about a year. Otherwise most supervisory positions in the area are filled. I can always keep looking tho. Its just... Everyday feels like a nightmare. The messed up thing is I'm doing great. There are 2 other coordinators and out of them both I have the least issues. But one day I feel like I'm just gonna scream and run out. Like I actively stop myself

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[725]
Oct 14

@Error101
After weeks/months/years of this and after that horrible night of hardly any sleep i have had enough..... I refuse to be a victim of my anxiety.... Yesterday i had 2 bids I had to go on and normally i would be soooo nervous and just glad its over but i told myself i would stay at both places and stay calm and not run away, its was NOT easy but it worked i felt better and stronger after that and did the same thing all day everytime i started to over think i would go into fight mode and tell myself that a lot of bad stuff has happened to me my whole life and this is just a symptom of that its not who i am and i will WIN this battle!.... i will have the anxiety symptoms obviously but i will channel that nervous energy to benefit me.... We are happiest when we are ourselvses, I believe that

We are special ppl!!

We are smart!
We have HUGE hearts!
We care!
We are STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also we all have big creative imaginations and we must put our brains to work in a better way..

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HarleenQ's picture
[570]
Oct 14

I wasn't always functional. And I know, they want you to handle it. They want you to get over it. They want you to act normal. But its never enough. So eventually I did, I learned to act "normal" so now time to get a job. Ok... I went back to school and did all that. They want you to work and take care of the house also. Alright here I go. Thats not enough now either tho... since you seem ok (my ex) I'll just stop working and let you support our kids yourself. Ok look now I need to get a raise take a position where I am responsible for over 40 people. So now if not only I screw up but if any of those people screw up Its on me and boy do they let loose on me if that happens and so do the doctora now the guilt cause of patients might be affected as well. But thats still not enough, because I'm slacking with my kids and my 5 year old need tutoring.
The point being, once you reach the next point they always want more. Its never enough

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