this is a journal entry from 28 May. i'm 19 years old and

this is a journal entry from 28 May.
i'm 19 years old and i'm huddled up to my knees crying like a little kid, rocking back and forth in the dark on my bed. i'm have flashbacks of feelings but with no images, so i can't even remember the traumatic things that happened that are causing me to feel afraid right now. so essentially it feels like i'm crying over nothing, which makes me feel just stupid. i want my memories back. there's so much that's missing and i feel empty. if i'm gonna be broken, can't i at least remember why?

i'm alone in my room lying on the floor, in the dark, wrapped in my blanket and clutching my pillow to death as i cry-- and i'm really thinking,
i like this feeling. this is better.. it's better than happy, than anything. i would rather feel like this than be happy. happy makes my head hurt.

View 12 More Comments
KidDJ's picture
Jun 12

@riversidemeadowboy Just say good things about yourself. This pain will go away.

CKBlossom's picture
Jun 14

@riversidemeadowboy I wish I can say that time heals all wounds, but with my father out of my life and my mother just on the periphery, sometimes the past comes creeping back when I least expect it. Seeing my mother the other night just caused all this stress and anxiety, not because she did anything, but just being with her brought up a lot of emotions and memories.

CKBlossom's picture
Jun 14

@SimonaAlex I think kindness towards self is lovely, very helpful, but not all healing.

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