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When i was four years old, i lived with my alcoholic mother

When i was four years old, i lived with my alcoholic mother who suffered from bipolar. I have lived with my dad and step mom since then and have had a great life. But i can't help but wonder what exactly happened to me. I think i was sexually abused by a man but i cannot remember. Ever since i was young I've always had anxiety and was extremely shy. Once i hit puberty i started to suffer from insomnia. I visited my mother every summer and one summer in highschool i started having nightmares of rape. I became extremely afraid of men and i started to have panic attacks. I came back home and went to the mental hospital and was put on medication for my depression and anxiety and insomnia. My mom has always been manipulating and delusional. I went back another summer with my boyfriend at the time. He was emotionally abusive, addicted to sex, he was into abdl and kids. He was so needy to where he would threaten suicide or would keep begging me until i did what he wanted. My mother told me so many lies and tried to convince me my dad raped me and how nothing wasbher fault. She gave me non prescription medication and encouraged me to marry the boyfriend. When my dad got us back i was put back into the mental hospital. It has been 2 years and i thought i have finally healed from it but my anxiety is starting to come back. I've started having panic attacks and wnet back to a therapist. I even had my first hallucination in 2 years. Can i ever possibly remember what happened to me? I've read the cps reports and found out my mom would leave me and my sister home alone when we were 3 and 4 and my 2 half brothers were at school. Right now i am still doing extremely well. I've been a cashier at heb for 2 years and i am a sophmore in college studying art and science. My medication is too strong to have the doctors think i need an increase but these feelings won't go away. I've ended that toxic relationship with that boyfriend and with my mom. I'm now dating a really great guy who is good for me and both our families like eachother. Should i risk trying to uncover the past and going through it all again to find out what happened to me? Or should i continue my life and ignore my need to know what exactly happened? I miss who i thought she was and i have begun to hate who she has really been. I still have a fear of men and it still holds me back sometimes.

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[470]
Nov 7

I am so sorry for the things that happened to you and the trauma that you have experienced. I am glad that you were able to see a therapist again. I encourage you to continue to speak with your doctor about the way that you are feeling. I know from my experiences with my grandmother that it sometimes takes a few tries to get the right medication combination, and that it is best to be honest with your doctor about what is going on no matter how small it seems. I would also encourage you to ask your therapist. Perhaps the book Safe People or Boundaries would be a good start?

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[106110]
Nov 8

You are a remarkable person. Thank you for sharing. I am so impressed by your strength of character and desire to make a good life for yourself despite your bad experiences and the abuse you've suffered. When I was in counseling, the counselor tried to assist me in remembering but he told me it wasn't ideal to try and force ourselves to remember. The human mind has a protective mechanism to keep us from remembering what we are simply not ready to remember. So you could try to remember in therapy. But your therapist most likely will not allow you to go too far because, as a professional, they'd know it won't benefit you to try and recall a false memory, force a memory, or remember stuff you're not ready to deal with. I do see the wisdom in trying to address these issues before you marry because you describe your future spouse and the relationship as healthy.

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[310]
Nov 8

You are stronger and healthier than you think. Just being able to articulate abuse as well as knowing limitations and recognizing toxic people for who they are, even within your own family, is a huge first step. I would encourage you to seek counseling support. Let a professional walk your through your next steps to discover health. What's right for one person may not be right for you and having the opportunity to speak to a counselor might just give you the direction and steps to take that are custom tailored just for you. I can provide a phone number that's free for you to contact to speak with a caring individual who can provide you with counselors in your area to contact. There is hope, there is healing on the other side of abuse. I too was a victim and lived to find peace, joy and contentment in spite of it all. Hugs to you my friend.

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