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I am ashamed to share what has been happening recently....

I am ashamed to share what has been happening recently....

I went back to my emotionally abusive relationship this week and got lost in his sweetness.
All was well until I brought up the cheating and lying and wanted to have a conversation.

Then he started hiding all of his things and said he was afraid I was going to steal it, he said that he didn’t trust me, he said all the mental things he knew hurt and as he took his drawer of computer back up hard drives to the bathroom I punched him in the face twice and screamed that I hated him. That he is horrible and then I fell on the bed and cried and feel as thought I can’t live with myself.

I should have left I have never hurt anyone before... then I told him no matter what he says or does I’ll never hit him again.

Guys this feels super dark to share. I feel like I am abusive now. I feel horrible.

Then today I said we still need to talk about things and he reacted similarly but this time denied all events and then when I brought up that if all the girls where friends from 2 months ago and our entire relationship... why didn’t he tell them about me? Why did you say that the food I made you , you made? Why did you lie to them and me?

Then he said because there my friends... I said no because you used me and my food to get laid to get numbers to play the field.

I told him we already talked about this. Our conversation he seemed really genuine was supposed to be about honesty.. then he made it a shot show.

I told him I needed a break because I don’t want to hurt him again but he is showing signs of immense anger now and tore his curtain off of the wall and throws things around every Time o try to have a normal
Conversation.

I should have just stayed away but I don’t have a good support system right now so I keep coming back and believing him.
Believing that he will just be honest and congruent.

Like he showed me the messages and there pretty bad I cried over it and he held me and apologized and now it’s like he’s taken itall back by acting like that doesn’t count.

I feel so trapped

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Rose_bug's picture
[700]
Oct 13

@jfoto44 yes, his is exactly true.

I have been afraid to be alone and addicted to the turmoil. I will get some support so that I don’t start creating a cycle of unnecessary drama in my life after this.

Looking back at old posts is huge I Know that I wouldn’t want anyone to be in any of those scenarios.

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[590]
Oct 14

Hi Rosebug, So sorry for the turmoil and the pain you are in. I read what others shared and I can't add much more as you have been given good advice and suggestions. You need to take care of YOU and to protect your heart. You need to be working with someone to help you with your self-esteem and identity and peel back the layers and understand why you are "addicted to the turmoil" as you said even though you know it will hurt and devastate you. Please do all you can to heal and to figure this out. You owe this to yourself. It is good you have your own apartment, that you can have boundaries. It is good advice from the other posts to spend time with just yourself and get healthy. Know you are important and that you are worth every moment you are working toward figuring things out. I wish you the best.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[31330]
Oct 14

he deserved a couple good punches. Dont feel guilty abiut it. But it's funny how we subject ourselves to people like this, people who know just what to say and do to make you hope. And the truth is you have all the evidence in the world that he can't be trusted, abd yet you want the illusion the mask to be real so badly, that you want him to magically make it all go away and be someone he isnt. He is a liar. He is a cheater. He wants to be with other women and still have you stick around. Accept this. Dont pick and choose what parts of him you love. Accept him entirely, and thats the only way youll be able to break free. Then focus on yourself. People cannot change the past, and hnfortunately they often cant change themselves in the future either. Accept them for who they are right now. Work on yourself. Do you want to feel this way? Regardless of whether he meant to hurt you or not etc., truth is you are off balance in this relationship. You feel terrible. That is enough reason to leave. Because when people actually care they go out of their way to make sure they dont hurt you. They dont hurt you and then expect you to accept their apologies. They dont ignore you, seek other women out, disrespect you, or make you insane because of their words and actions not lying up. This is a liar. Accept it. Dont try to change. True love is accepting people as they are. Self respect is when you can accept others and still walk away because you realize you deserve better, and you dont want to turn into someone you dont want to be.

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