Happy 2020!!!
"The best is yet to come."
-Frank Sinatra

After several years of being unhappy, I've decided that this

After several years of being unhappy, I've decided that this year I am going to start focusing more on me, mentally and physically. My next step is to get an appointment with a lawyer to have them answer some questions before I make the final decision. I'm not worried about myself, it is how this will effect my kids (20 and 17). I don't want them hating me for breaking up their family. For the last few months, my anxiety rises the minute I get home. It's not healthy for me to continue as it is. Thinking about all of this is making my mind go crazy. It's not something I want to do but when you don't do anything as a couple, not many things in common, communication is usually about the kids or work, feel that we are roommates more than a married couple. I've told him over the years that I wasn't happy and what bothers me but he has made no effort to change, even after I had him go to a counseling appt with me. We have been married for 20 years so making this decision definitely does not come easy and I'm having a hard time even thinking about it coming to this point.

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eddie1975's picture
Jan 16

It's sad that he knows how you feel and won't change. I would rather see the relationship succeed. That would definitely be what is best for the children. However, don't make any assumptions about anything, especially your children. They will likely be angry. Probably their father will blame you and try to turn them against you but in the end a mother is a mother and a father is a father. Children will love them regardless of what they do. As long as you love them they will love you.

My children were physically abused by my ex and they still run to her sometimes. It really blows my mind but the parent/child bond is stronger than one may think. Even the children we adopted 10 years ago still want nothing more than to go back to their bio parents even though they were neglected and abused. Psychologically it makes no sense to me but what I HAVE experienced in the last three years is that kids will love their parents no matter what. My oldest son, who is 19 and away in college, comes home on the weekend and stays at his mom's house (she took our big fancy house in the divorce, hasn't gotten my name removed for two years and left me being forced to rent a mini-house basically) because he has no other choice if he wants to visit his friends. But he comes and hangs out with me when he can get away from his girlfriend and tells me "Dad I know mom did you wrong and I understand that but she's my mom so, although I don't agree with her, I'll still talk to her nicely. I just want you to be happy and I don't want you going back to her."

Those are a few of my experiences with the children. The important thing is to SHOW them you love them.

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Sdiamond1026's picture
Jan 16

I can imagine I would be the same way if I separated. So I don’t think it’s stupid.

Jan 16

@Valann I’m sorry for your anxiety. That can’t be easy. Your children are already aware that you are unhappy and they have been aware for some time. Your 20 year old is at an age where he will most likely understand. That’s especially so if he has been away at college or has moved out. Your 17 year old may react but more because of the uncertainty of what will happen to him if you or your husband leave.

So, if you make the decision to leave, a priority for both children will be to know what it means for them. Will they live with you or dad? Will they have a choice? Will your 17 year old have to change schools? Will you or dad be able to help them financially with college or technical school? Will you get together as a family on holidays? Will you have to sell the house? If so, where will they live? Will they have the same standard of living? If not, how will it change? Are they responsible for this change or is this just between you and your husband? These will be important issues to discuss soon after you have made a decision.

Both children will adjust if you decide to separate and they will come to accept the impact it may have on them. As long as they know you still love them and do not blame them for a separation or divorce, they will be fine.

You are correct to look at what it will mean for you as well. Often a parent’s focus (especially a mother’s) is on their family and as a result they neglect their own happiness. You deserve to explore avenues to be comfortable within yourself and to find new friends and activities that will be stimulating for you. Even if you decide to stay, you are correct to focus on your needs at this point.

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