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So I’m waiting on divorce papers. And I find out he’s te

NamelessShe's picture
[4515]

So I’m waiting on divorce papers. And I find out he’s telling everyone we’re already divorced. I haven’t been served. He’s also telling people the reason “he” left is because he found out I didn’t love him as much as he loved me.

I’m going to puke for about a hundred reasons. If he’s telling people we’re divorced he has no intention of actually filing. And he’s the one who said he had fallen out of love. I was still deep in the fog when he tried to get me to commit suicide.

When do I wake up from this nightmare? What on earth did I ever see in him?

And people believe him. They see him as such a good caring man and not the monster. He cut me off and stole my money and I was left with nothing. I can’t even find a job because I’m so broken I get panic attacks when there’s a loud noise. He promised to pay alimony. Probably another lie. Why does he get to do this to me? I can’t rven pay a lawyer because he made sure I couldn’t access anything.

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NamelessShe's picture
[4515]
Mar 16

You’re right. It’s just hard to shut of the give a fvck part of my brain. He gave me so much grief about not loving me and then apologizing and telllibg he he loved me and then not loving me and so on. I was at nervous breakdown level by the time we broke up. I’m working on keeping him out of my thoughts and reigning everything in. It is hard though.

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@NamelessShe My first post here. FWIW, at least here in California, if you can prove you can't afford an attorney, your spouse can be forced to pay for yours; it's a law in place to keep cases from being too lopsided. It can also make abusive spouses think hard before they file any action, since they'll have to pay for lawyers on both sides. And I'm kind of guessing here, but kind of not, on the issue of what you saw in him: If you're like me, you saw in him the opportunity to reconcile things from your past, loops that were never closed, this time with a new person. I would wager that ALL OF US ask the same thing; a bit of digging and I knew, for sure, that I "married my mother", a woman who was crazy and malevolent in ways similar to my mother's craziness. And if I could "please" this woman, my oldest hurts would go away. Believe it or not, once the marriage is canned, it is possible not just to "recover", which implies getting back to where you were, but to come out of it a whole lot stronger for having gone through it. My wife put me through 2 years of pure hell trying to keep my kids away from me, running everything up the flagpole, including accusing me of trying a murder/suicide with my 2 beautiful boys one day when my youngest son left an unlit burner on the stove when I was teaching him to cook. I had to take her to 4 days at trial to end up with 50/50 custody. But now that I am out the other side, with a legal order of protection? I am happier and more put together than ever before in my life; God put me through hell to make me into who I was meant to be, is what it feels like. My recommendation? READ, read a ton. lots of good books on Amazon, including "Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare" and some interesting books by a figure named H.G. Tudor, who purports to be a narcissist and writes from that perspective. And it's actually kind of chilling how accurately his thought process tracks with what my ex tried to do, and still tries to do, to me. We can transcend them, even if at first it takes some scratching and clawing to get a foothold. Seeing them clearly for who they are is an important key: You are not crazy. Your ex is, and in that perverse way that we're wired to try to make things add up, you found that compelling, even just subconsciously, enough to try to be happy with him.

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NamelessShe's picture
[4515]
Mar 16

@ThrivingAfterAllThat I couldn’t find any help in Cali. I’m stuck in Iowa and the lawyers I called didn’t want sht to do with me.

I am so fvcki g tired of everything tonight. I wish I was stronger. Smarter. Better. I’m stuck and everything I try hits a wall.

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