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Possibly confusing Northguy Ramble- Bellyaching Edition I

Northguy's picture
[110840]

Possibly confusing Northguy Ramble- Bellyaching Edition

I sometimes neglect to type entire words, and I've a hunch I've not corrected all such incidents in this post, so it may be confusing. Though I did catch the little gem of "I've been trying and failing to stress..." in which I forgot the word "not". Stressing is perhaps the most reliable thing I do, alas alack, and that erroneous sentence belongs in a far happier parallel world.

Welp life goes on. Very tired and starting to get a bit gloomy today. I'm running on much less sleep than I'd like, but hopefully I'll get to bed early tonight. I just hate summer temperature. Open the window at night so I don't swelter, then get woken up in the morning thanks to that same open window. Does not work well with my preferred late to bed late to rise rhythm, so I'm trying to readjust right now.

Trying and failing (though not completely) to not stress over various things involving my brother. Pretty much resigned to the fact that he has doesn't want to sell the house anytime soon and for reasons I can honestly understand and regard as reasonable, so I've been trying to mull that situation over and figure out what's my next move. Wondering about accepting that we don't sell on any foreseeable timetable and just wait and see how his future shapes up. But then moving out, and letting him pay all the house bills, with any income from renting the spare rooms out going to ameliorate that. Lets him have his safe home base as he faces an uncertain future (plus postponing the significant bother of selling/moving) but he has to pay for it, while I'm out and on my own and probably in a better position mentally to try and handle my own future, even if it does cost more than splitting the house bills with him (and of course potentially selling at a worse price in the future if the currently good market fades). Not sure what I'll do yet, but just thinking about it in the abstract for now as a "maybe I'll do this" plan helps me feel less trapped. I may well decide its not prudent, and he/the trustees who manage mom's estate which owns aforementioned house might object, but for now I'm just trying to ignore that and pretend that maybe I'll have a path forward there. I'll dig in and assess the details of the idea later when I'm calmer and have no other stresses/tasks demanding my attention.

Trying not to be nervous/guilty about an email we hoped to send on sunday that I'm still waiting for him to read through my draft of and either sign off on or modify. I've had a very weak last half a week or so myself, so I haven't pressed him to get things done, and he hasn't. Honestly trying to just not care right now, and hopefully grow calmer and thus more capable.

Heh, we're a sorry pair we two. I'm an anxious procrastinator who feels guilty when that inconveniences others and will thus be...tolerably slow, but will procrastinate a good deal when it doesn't (except when I occasionally get into "gogogoGO!" mode to make the scary stuff go away). Meanwhile he's anxious extreme procrastinator who works well when he feels (rarely) well or after I hound him into it. A cycle which typically "goes hey we need to do this-wait a week, hey we really need to do this-wait almost a week, hey we need to finish this by the end of the week-week ends, hey we really need to do this, let's sit down right now and do so...repeat 2-4 (or 7) days, until done."

We're currently in the "approach him every day trying to get him to sit down and get it done" phase, which is of course not always something I feel up to doing, like this week. So I've just not bothered him about getting it done, and its not gotten done, of course.

I'm well aware I'm not perfect, and that this is kind of darkly comic in a way just how terrible we are at getting things done, but boy is it frustrating. Good news is I have my therapist appointment on thurs so I can let all this frustration out and hopefully come away feeling more calm and resolved. Or, you know, at least the resolved part. Heh, calm is a reach.

Anyhow I'm hoping I feel better tomorrow and am better rested. I feel like blabbing more to let the stress out, but honestly can't think of anything to say, so I guess I'll wrap it up here. Hope all are well.

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[65330]
Jul 11

@Northguy, oh well, we all gotta fly some time. You'll do fine, I'm sure. Sounds like your parents made sure you'd have a leg up. My advise, be very careful about spending. It goes very quickly, I know from experience.

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[65330]
Jul 11

@Northguy, but also, despite his faults, he is still family. You may need each other again someday.
: )

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Northguy's picture
[110840]
Jul 11

@Scat oh absolutely, I keep my spending low and keep an eye on that. and...well, I am substantially colder on the subject of relatives than most. Our history being what it is, I have no significant emotional bond to him and am fine with that. I don't want to treat him unfairly, and hope he does well, but while we're forced to try to cooperate to some degree now, I don't regard either of us as being obligated to serve as the other's support should it come to that in the future. That's just not the sort of relationship we have and I am at peace with that.

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