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This is my first time here and I'm sorry I coudn't make this

[225]

This is my first time here and I'm sorry I coudn't make this short. I just have so much to say.

It's slowly setting in that I am actually depressed. I have never been very outgoing and always kept to myself even when life was great but for the last couple of years, I shut out everyone except my parents. A lot of my friends are in college and the remaining are studying well to get into good colleges. I lie to my parents and pretend that everything's fine when I haven't actually been able to study for a long long time.

During the last few months, I have been a little jumpy and I'm afraid it's actually getting worse. Yesterday was a day where people at my place burn firecrackers and it was absolute hell for me. The noise wasn't too loud but it scared me every time unlike it has ever happened before. I got extremely irritable and felt like screaming everytime someone approached me. I still managed to behave normally though. I think I have some sort of anxiety but I've never experienced it before. I've always been pretty calm and composed and this is so new to me. I don't know what to do.

I have "let myself go" and don't feel confident enough to go mingle with friends. I sit at the computer all day. I'm not addicted to the internet but instead addicted to anything that acts as a distraction so I don't have to think about stressful stuff. Sometimes I spend my time happily ignoring my depression, watching funny videos, reading books and listening to uplifting music. But then all of the suppressed emotions hit me like a wave and I feel like I have to physically fall to the ground and cry.

I have been wanting to cry freely for some day but since I live with my parents and they see me all the time, I'm embarrassed. I'll get swollen eyes and a red nose and there's no way my parents won't see that I've been crying. They are very supportive but still expect a lot from me and I can't imagine how troubled they'll be to know how the life of their only child is falling apart. I can't find the courage to tell them anything since they already have so much on their plate.

I tried to visit a therapist but I cancelled it all because there's no way to do so without asking my parents to drive me to the place. I live in a really small town and have to drive 30 miles to get to a therapist and I cannot drive. Every single transaction of mine happens through my parents. They don't restrict me at all but they know all about it. I don't even have friends here who can help me out.

I have no one to talk to and the only friend I talk to frequently is my ex-boyfriend. We are on good terms but since I broke up because of these issues earlier, it's basically impossible for me to share these things with him without either of us feeling uncomfortable. I want somebody whom I can talk to.

I feel pathetic because very often I feel like my problems are so small they don't deserve this much of a reaction from me. I don't have a sob story. My life was perfect until I screwed up myself. There's nothing in my life that can't get better but I just have zero motivation to do anything anymore. I don't have the will power to do anything.

All self-help books have gone to the drain. If I had not been living with my parents, I'm sure I would've stopped eating on time and showering regularly. I would have just laid on my bed, wallowing in self-pity.

I've never self-harmed or been suicidal. I'm confident that these problems will never get bad enough for me to think directly of suicide. However, ever since these symptoms started showing up, I have had thoughts about a car hitting me on the road. Or dying from a heart attack. Maybe, the end of the world. Basically, any form of guiltless death. I know I'll probably be scared if it actually happens but normally I don't think I care anymore.

I have extreme fear of being financially dependent on my parents forever or on somebody else. All of this started 2 years ago. Before that, I was an excellent student with a bright future. I still wished for nothing more than a humble and happy life but gradually everything became so bad it was almost unbearable. If things don't get better, I will sit at home next year too and continue this miserable life. I am so so scared.

I have less than six months to turn things around and make things better but I don't know where to start. I don't want to start from the bottom again.

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[225]
Nov 9

@CKBlossom Thank you for the encouragement. It makes me a little more hopeful about my recovery. I think instead of troubling myself by hiding this from my parents, I'll try to share my problems as soon as possible.

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[1050]
Nov 9

@confusedcat I hope you get the support that you need. It is a good idea to tell your parents what is bothering you. They would want to know.

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[150]
Nov 9

Depression and anxiety are real and should be acknowledged and treated. I think you should talk to your parents and be honest about how you feel. You have no reason to be ashamed or hide it. Let those that love you help you through it.

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