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It's difficult for me to tell people that I have problems. I

It's difficult for me to tell people that I have problems. I know they're there. I have a root for them. But since I haven't been diagnosed, and only peers know about my abuse, I feel like saying anything makes me sound like a selfish, dramatic, hormonal teenager. And maybe I am, I don't know. All I can really do is read up on different disorders, and try to guess what I might be experiencing, but we both know it's not good to self diagnose yourself. I feel like depression, and anxiety are a given. I don't feel that I deserve anything. I don't like anything about myself, other than my art skills, but I'm hardly ever happy with that. I only see myself as a problem. I've self harmed before, but it didn't help. I want to die, and I've tried many times before, but I don't really believe in suicide. I think that there's always a chance that things might get better. I want help, and I am trying to get it, so I'm not completely helpless. I'm constantly feeling tired, or empty, and numb, and all of my thoughts seem really distant, and my memories are starting to get hazy. I have constant migraines, and headaches, and sometimes I get really bad anxiety. My chest tightens up, and aches, and I can't breathe, and I tremble, and cry. I'm really paranoid about every little thing, and every person. My mom, my dad, everyone has become sort of a threat, or someone who I can't trust that much. Older men terrify me, and I can't help but think they might hurt me. I can't get into a car without praying that we don't crash, or even glance at my oven without thinking it might explode and kill me, as stupid as that sounds. I had to clean out a garbage disposal once, and got so scared that it would turn on that I had a full blown panic attack. When I get really upset, sometimes everything shuts down, and I can't feel anything at all. I didn't completely remember my trauma until I was in sixth or seventh grade, after lots of stress, and the memory tends to fade in and out at random times. Sometimes I can remember everything, and sometimes I don't even know if it even happened. Sometimes I can talk about it, and think about it and just feel numb, while other times I break down, and I'm at my very worst. I've started to get major OCD when doing certain things, especially when it comes to food. I have to eat certain things, a certain way, and when it's any different I get way too upset over it. I just recently went on vacation, but the new surroundings, new people, etc made me miserable. I've began realizing that I barely have any attraction to anyone. No physical attraction at all. I have a difficult time being in a relationship with anyone, and when people know about my relationship, I have lots of anxiety, or pda in general gives me anxiety as well. It's like, I want to love someone, and be able to have that relationship, but I can't. I don't know. I'm struggling a lot, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

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[1220]
Jun 15

@meg9 thank you so much. I'd like that a lot.

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[9420]
Jun 15

If you're not sure if these problems are coming from "teenage hormones", all you can really do is wait to find out. But in the meantime, it's still good to take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. Even if this is temporary teenage stuff, you deserve help and deserve to be healthy.

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meg9's picture
[70]
Jun 16

@Tobyy_ish anytime! I supported you so if you need to message me you can(:

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