I've been dealing with anxiety i feel like ever since I had

JaayR's picture
(125)

I've been dealing with anxiety i feel like ever since I had my daughter 2 years ago it started. But lately it has gotten worse like 3 months ago . My dr prescribed medication around that time but I believe that's what made me worse so I stopped them. Now its really hard to get through my day and it has gotten me pretty depressed and I'm afraid to simply be alone at home with my daughter at times and I'm afraid to go out with her knowing I may start panicking.i started therapy a month ago . It has helped alil but I still get really bad. I get so short of breath sometimes and even some chest pain and just dissocialize all the time. feels like I'm literally going to die from the shortness of breath it has even gotten in the way of my sexual life and its the worst I feel like I can't even enjoy a time thats suppose to be special and intimate with my bf without getting anxiety like why ??? It makes no sense I hate myself sometimes for getting this way and I just want this to end already it feels like it never will the only thing that keeps me going is my daughter . I never get to the point of ending my life or hurting others tho . Never that but I just wish I cld get over this feeling that seems endless. Plus covid does not help at all ... anyone has any advice or want to share their story ? Would really appreciate it

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andine's picture
(57480)
May 2

@romantyke very sorry for the loss of your husband.

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romantyke's picture
(315)
May 2

@andine It is a burden I do not wish on any men. It's... beyond anything unbearble. It is Hell... and I wissh I was with him in heaven. Mpenzi... I want to sing with him again.

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romantyke's picture
(315)
May 2

Yes. George and I met back when we were teenagers. I was doing my service in the Red Cross as a canadian medic and George was fourteen and I was seventeen. We fell in love at first sight. He had a mental disability, making him not totally there but his heart was totally in the right place. We exchanged love letters and love poetry abroad as I continued my service as a medic in Asia and South America and eventually we got married in my homeland of Canada after years of courtship. George Mpango was black as coal and very tall and he was extremely handsome. But he was born with HIV just like his entire family (he had twenty one siblings) and when he caught the measles, it finished him off. All that night, I was telling him to scoot but when I woke up, I realised I had slept with death. I never got over his death. Kenyans are extremely monogamous and romantic, and adultery, on the contrary to here in Canada, is punished by law as a crime against humanity. As an effect, George was extremely monogamous, and he was perhaps the best husband one could ever find. His mental disability, coupled with his lack of education and his almost childish upbringing, made him an outstanding husband (and the most soft and handsome love maker one could ever wish to have) and his death was perhaps what would bring my triggers. I never got over his death. It will be my personal tragedy for ever. And most gay men I have dated gave up on em, because they know they'll never be able to compete with George's perfection as a life partner and husband.
My grief over him is overwhelming, and years never got it go away. Time certainly helped, but George... well... he was really special and sometimes I wish I had died in his arms with him. He was dead and was gone from this world after seventeen years of marriage, his love for me undimmed and unaltered by the ravages of time. I know I was grateful for having had George (gay men never or almost never know true love) but sometimes I wish I had died with him and would stay with him in Heaven.

I never wish grief to anyone. It's the worst feeling ever. It rips your soul and it consumes you with undying love and sadness. It makes you feel as if you are an inprint on this planet, condemned to exist without prupose. The pain of it is unbearable and it's as if you have been into the forges of Hell themselves and been back from therein a changed and damaged soul. I don,t wish that burden to anyone else.

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