*Day 4* I realized that I don't have a vision of what I want

seafoam's picture
[36485]

*Day 4* I realized that I don't have a vision of what I want to achieve with this plan to post frequently. Original purpose was to not be alone with my thoughts and also get a better idea how self-destruction starts. But I didn't really decide what to write in these posts. Now I came up with something but when I tried earlier my mind went blank and I felt like giving up on this plan. This post is to overcome resistance and remove block, so it might be a little inconsistent.
I think that the problem is that I don't know how to live my life and when the bad health isn't there to distract my mind, I feel that nothing is possible for me and I will never get out of this trap.
Few days ago I was tidying up and stumbled across a pack of my travel mementos. I stored everything that I could take with me, restaurant menus, receipts, maps, postcards, notes, tickets, etc. For many years it meant a symbol of hope. I remember how I felt when I left the travel agency after buying a ticket, I looked around me and thought that this might be the last time I see this place. I believed my life is finally going to change. After the loss of all hopes and dreams, those memories and objects became something that reminded me that once I believed that I can have a different life, something that connected me to a different reality that I believed exists. It was warming to be able to not lose at least a memory.
Now? The magic is gone. These are just useless pieces of paper. I threw away anything that doesn't have value to free some space on the shelf and didn't feel anything. That chapter is over.

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April's picture
[139045]
Aug 17

@spongebob - funny!!! I miss walking around neighborhood though, its good way to meet folks..

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Stonewalled's picture
[25490]
Aug 17

@spongebob Good for you, not many do that any more....my sister still does! I am sorry I didn't realize that.....I just find at times I need to get outside....it seems to help.

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seafoam's picture
[36485]
Aug 17

@April I've heard about that method too, it can be hard to let go of things if they still have sentimental value. KonMari method also has imperfections but it takes that aspect into consideration and what I like about it is that it uses Japanese approach of viewing things as objects that you can connect with, not just something that has value while it's useful and toss when you no longer need. I guess I'm trying to say, treating things with respect, this really resonates with me.

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