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Calling myself out on being drawn to people with avoidant at

RainbowChard's picture
[4965]

Calling myself out on being drawn to people with avoidant attachment styles, mimicking my early childhood environment of emotional neglect. Suffering, terror of abandonment, feelings of unworthiness and fear of being unloved all churn away inside of me while the other party is safe in a cocoon of distancing. Thankfully, attachment style can be healed. I'm looking forward to that.

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Foundlove's picture
[16270]
Jun 13

I think best to do for yourself is heal, work towards secure attachment style. I’m planning go back counseling to explore more childhood abuse. Currently though I’m working through number of workbooks including one about attachment styles. Once you can recognize what is healthy, not secure, and who has secure attachment style then I think you can finally find love worth committing.

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LikeMinds's picture
[3270]
Jun 13

I like your comment about attempting to form a healthy attachment with a therapist, @RainbowChard. Like you, however, I have found this to be incredibly difficult. I'm sure part of the problem is me. So, I keep examining myself (as in Step 4 of the 12 Steps: "I have made a fearless and searching moral inventory"). Therapists who can truly enter into that kind of therapeutic relationship in a healthy way seem to be pretty rare (unfortunately). According to some research I read about a year ago, 65% of people in the U.S. might be considered to have what could be called "secure" attachment (healthy attachment patterns). Since I have trouble with my own attachment patterns (avoidant), I easily find myself drawn into attraction with others who also have attachment issues (specifically those with anxious attachments). As you said above, this creates a perfect dysfunctional relationship from the start. I find it much harder to relate to people with healthy attachment (at least on a more intimate level). I still have trouble understanding them. And they have trouble understanding me.

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RainbowChard's picture
[4965]
Jun 13

Deciding that we deserve loving secure relationships despite our formative experiences is definitely progress all by itself. It's encouraging to see others doing this and I appreciate your having shared about it. <3

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