I'm so exhausted. My life has changed so drastically over th

I'm so exhausted. My life has changed so drastically over the course of the last year. I suffered from very secret parinioa my entire life. Yet I found ways to cope and blend my life around it. Nobody ever could tell. It was manageable and more of a highly anxious thing. Now all of the sudden I'm hit full force. I had horrible dreams that felt so real that my 10 yr old daughter was raped. This triggered huge panic and constant worry. Eventually leading to thoughts my father in law will come in my room and kill us while sleeping. I began to lock the door and push the dresser in front of it every night. Then my delusions turned into smelling fire and believing he'd set the house on fire to kill us. I had believed I detoured him and shortly after they planned a trip for a week out of state. I refused to go and the trip was cancelled bc I thought my husband and him were conspiring to hurt me with help of other family. So we planned another trip. I forced my to go this time and I have been reclusing in the room im staying in except bare minimal appearance so my parinioa doesnt reveal itself and I ruin my image with his family..however every time I hear my daughter or family talking I think they are killing her and plotting my planned death. I know this is unrealistic but it feels real in the moment. It's scaring me. Wheb im arpund them i think they are talkin about me and whispering how they want to harm me..i can't turn it off but can fake being well when need be. I've never been this bad before and the delusions are scaring me. Any idea of what's going on? I believe I have mild borderline personality disorder cluster c with Parinioa personality disorder. I have never been diagnosed and have no funds to do so. I just don't want this getting worse.

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Mar 20, 2017

Should not*

Maria40m's picture
Mar 20, 2017

well done for having the ability to share that's emotional journey with us ... I get everything you say except mine was mental and physical abuse.... my life is still a high speed rollercoaster at the age of 45 but I'm learning to see the warning signs more quickly ... I'm just grateful that I don't remember what I did 10 minutes ago ....but yet I live in the past !! Life does get happier... just never expect miracles ox

MsRobot's picture
Mar 20, 2017

@Losthopebdp27 They said that it was sleep deprivation plus stress. However he's started having minor seizures once a month.... so who the f*** knows lol


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