I'm recovered physically from anorexia, but right now I'm re

I'm recovered physically from anorexia, but right now I'm really struggling with not wanting to exist. I really want to not be alive right now, for the rest of the night, the rest of the weekend, the rest of the week after that until I have a good moment again. I wish this could be fixed. I'm not going to kill myself because I matter to people and would find it mean and am going to see a psychiatrist to try a new depression med next Thursday, but hell do I want to just cease existing. I don't want to talk to my boyfriend about it because I don't want to bring him down. I don't want him to see me like this. I just want to be completely alone instead of making the night somber. He's exhausted and I just don't want to ask a thing from him. I can't go anywhere to talk to someone on a suicide hotline because his roommate's in the main room and I don't want to draw attention to myself or make my boyfriend worry (he's cutting his hair right now). I just want to hide, to be invisible, to feel better. I don't really know why I'm writing here. I just know you guys probably understand and maybe have some good words for me, but I would understand if you hate me just from reading this.

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CKBlossom's picture
[496030]
Feb 20

Hugs my dear, depression isn't something that can be wished away, it is treatable and it should be talked about. You are so welcome here!

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[20]
Feb 21

So sorry you feel this way. I can kind of relate ,I felt the same way
right after my mom passed. I wanted to leave everyone I knew and
just disappear and I felt that may make the pain go away.
I'm sure it was just my emotions. Not sure
if yours could be the same. But, like you said you matter to people
and you matter to yourself so reaching out is a sign you want
to find clarity with why you feel like this. In addition to speaking
with a psychiatrist, is there anyone else you could talk to about how you’re feeling? When we are walking through hard times, support is important.

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[20]
Apr 12

Thank you so much for responding to this. I'm doing better now using DBT skills, but man those despairing moments are hard to conquer. *Hugs*

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