Anorexia the Monster of my Mind

Anorexia is like this monster that either grabs you by the neck at full-force, or lurks in the corners of your mind. Its always there, like a serpent laying low in the weeds, waiting for the right opportunity to strike. Its dark mass consumes fragile minds and makes them blind to reason. I have been blind for three years now. It used to be bad, very bad. I was the perfect storm brewing in a depressed, lonely, and self-loathing sky. I couldn't deal with all the pressure. I was supposed to be this perfect barbie doll who everyone loved, who had great academics, who excelled at sports, who always said the right things at the right time, who was beautiful, someone who always obeyed their parents and never made mistakes, someone who was SKINNY. I tried. I tried to be perfect and I failed. It was a sick obsession. I would starve myself and exercise until the point of exhaustion. My parents worried about my shrinking appearance, but they couldn't deal with the pain and hurt of an eating disorder. It was the elephant in the room that everyone ignored. At the time, I'm glad they did. I used to imagine myself shrinking and shriveling until I disappeared altogether, into a comforting nothingness. I couldn't ask for help. No one would believe my problems. No one would want to believe I was the opposite of what I seemed. My friends would not have understood the pain and depression that teared at my mind. No one knew how much I suffocated from pressure, choking on my own desire to be something unreal. Impossible. I eventually hit rock bottom and went up from there. After almost a year free from its deathlike grip, I am feeling the ugliness again. I eat because I'm upset. I stuff my face in the middle of the night because it is not what I could do before. I do not know what is normal anymore. I feel so FAT. The weight has piled on like a ton of breaks bearing heavy loads of low self-esteem. I want to crawl back into anorexia's comfort of never letting myself get to the point of "big". I was deathly afraid, and it made all the difference. The months of recovery were my happiest, but now I don't understand why I feel like ****. Why I hate my body, why I feel like a big, fat, and lazy person who should know better to take care of them-self. I am a disappointment in my own eyes and don't feel worthy enough for happiness. I am trapped in my own "happy" and fake world that I created for myself, and no one can help me. No one can recognize the distorted fun house mirrors of my mind that twist reality. I just don't know what to do anymore. What is real happiness, what is love, what is self acceptance? Does the monster ever go away?

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janurse's picture
Jun 23, 2011

Lost....yes, there is real happiness and recovery, but it requires time, good professional help and lost of hard work! As long as you equate your weight/body/size to your happiness or worth, you will never find that peaceful place. But recovery and peace is out there once you learn to change the way you think about yourself and evaluate yourself.
Are you getting help? If not, please seek the help of an experienced ED professional and stick with it!! Take care, and please continue to share....Jan ♥


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