Not really sure how this works, but here goes.... this is go

Not really sure how this works, but here goes.... this is going to be long.....My husband of 15 years has anger and temper control issues. I saw it a bit at the beginning but could tell it was a generational pattern from his father (his little sister has the same issues). I had hoped by identifying it early on with him and he admitting it, it would help. It never did. He has refused to seek treatment of any kind, ever. Before we had kids it was never really aimed at me, the yelling, name calling, etc. It was usually road rage or random rants. Then we had a daughter and it all changed. I have been told time and time again by him that "I triggered him" "It's my actions he is reacting to" so on and so forth. For the longest time I thought he was right. I thought his reactions and outburst were inappropriate but usually had something to do around something I did that he didn't like. His outburst never lasted long and weren't physical. (one time he pushed me). He would be better in less than 20 - 30 mins and expected you to be over it as well. Years have gone by and we now have 2 daughters (7 & 5). He is extremally quick to screaming at them for very mundane things and when I comfort them while they are in distress (because he is screaming) I am accused of trying to make him look like a monster to them. I have been told this countless times.
Lately we never know what is going to set him off. We NEVER know. Recently during family spring break trip, I didn't pack up the dirty clothes fast enough in the hotel and he completely lost it. Screaming and yelling, I could see a look of fear my daughter's face (we were all in one hotel room), I bent down and kissed her face and said "it's ok" all while he is yelling and that set him off even more. He continued to say very mean things about me in front of the girls then refused to engage with the entire family for several hours. When HE was ready, he jumped in the pool with us like nothing happened. This of course was all my fault. The dirty clothes, my fault, comforting my daughters, my fault. Then this morning while facetiming the girls before school ( I get to work very early and husband works from home), I can hear him screaming from the kitchen.... " I can't believe you took all the f-ing plain bagels! This selfish f-ing woman. All you do is think about yourself. God **** it". We had ordered a dozen bagels the day before, he split them into 2 bags, I thought one for me to take to work, one for the house. Apparently I was wrong and grabbed the wrong bagel bag this morning. I could see my oldest face begin to get distress and tears start to fall from my eyes. I am crying and telling her its ok and I'm sorry she is having to hear this. My youngest is screaming at her dad to stop and starts crying when she sees me crying. Again this is all my fault, I took the wrong bagels. He wanted a plain bagel this morning.

I know we need to leave. period end of story. I know. The part that sucks is in between his outburst he is a wonderful father and a great friend. We laugh a lot and there is love there. But I just know we are ruining our daughter's mental health and I don't want to feel like the constant villain in my own life. If he doesn't want to get help, then I need to remove "his trigger", right? What keeps the girls from becoming his new trigger when I am not there everyday?

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Littlesis7's picture
May 25

@Squaccoon I wanted to say your honesty here is quite amazing and pretty refreshing. These types of admissions are not very common but extremely helpful to those of us trying to understand partners like this. I truly hope you find a lot of answers and are able to recover.
Thank you again.

Squaccoon's picture
May 25

@Littlesis7 Thank you, I know I have a long road ahead of me, but being able to finally admit this was the first step for me.

MagiaMoonlight's picture

I came from a family where my dad could be the nicest guy in the world, or he could be the cruelest. As a child I didn't understand why the things I did would set him off, and my mom basically taught me how to just get through it and move on, always making excuses for him and letting him displace his anger onto all of us. As an adult I am kind of a messed up person emotionally. I am always attracted to toxic men, men much like him personality wise because that is where my brain finds familiarity. I know its hard to leave when things are good, but unless he seeks help for the problem and truly acknowledges it, it will only get worse and will continue to do damage to you and your kids. Some people can cope with that kind of behavior better then others, but at the end of the day there are always scars from trauma of his overreaction. I hope you find a way out.


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