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It's been now a couple of hours since my last argument with

It's been now a couple of hours since my last argument with my wife, and again it was something that escalated from nothing. My misinterpreting a gesture of hers towards me, lead to me aggessively pushing her hand down. All of this happened in just a few seconds, not having enough time to think through on how I was feeling and acting. This physical element is new in our conflict and it scares us both, and she is of course very confused as to what to do. I cannot really blame her. As I'll write further below, it's been a very difficult couple of weeks, so she's at crises point.

I have a long history of being angry, starting with my family, particularly my mother. Having lived through bullying and other difficult situations, I always then took the steam out with the person closest to me. There were many instances where the anger arose out of being triggered by words which hurt, but there were also many other situations where this anger came from a mis-judgement of the other person's words or intent.

My wife and I have been already close to separating because of my inability to reign in on my tense and often aggressive ways, and there was a time where I worked on myself and managed to change drastically my attitude towards her. Since then, we did have some difficult situations on and off, but in this last month, this has exploded into conflicts happening almost every 2 to 3 days, culminating into this situation I've had today. My wife is still affected substantially by the past aggressive behavior of mine, and what's happening now is bringing this relationship to the very edge again.

I need to write here to let this out and share it with others who might have similar problems to mine. I would be grateful for any tips/ideas/support on how I can work my way through this behavior and restore a sane way of communicating and relating between us. I want to write more here about what might have hurt me in the past, and also about the aggression I've forced on others, in the hope that I can understand that I am perpetuating and even increasing the aggression which I experienced myself.

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Gone Fishing's picture
Jul 11

Ok. My friend. I have a lot to say. So hold on. Lol. I can totally relate. I spent most my life being filled with hatred.
This issue is not nearly as simple as it may sound. Anger issues are and can be very complex. Most only look at the surface. The actual action of the rage. But more times out of not. Those anger issues stem from other sources.
So let’s try to break it down a bit. First identify. Then explore options. Then apply what the best option or options may be.
I will use my self as an example. So if it’s a little off for your situation. Don’t be surprised. But you get where I’m coming from. And It will sound easier than it is. As I’m sure you know.
First. I need to identify the emotion or emotions I have. Lots of times. Especially with young teens or children. They don’t have the knowledge or experience to understand what emotions are what. It’s hard to express one’s emotions properly. Meaning. For me as a kid. I wasn’t frustrated. I was p*ssed. I wasn’t just upset. I was furious. And I think it was because anger was a familiar emotion. Anger and hatred are at the end of the spectrum. Where happiness and glee are at the other end. And I would be at one extreme or the other.
Later on in life I learn that there are many emotions in between love and hate. And as learned to identify them. I learned how to express them. Better. So lots of times. I would express hatred. For frustration. Why. Familiarity.
Now. This is the hard part. Or one of them. To identify where and how the anger stems from. Again using myself as an example. For a long time I thought my hatred was because of my father and his beatings and abuse. But I’m learning that my mother also added or was the cause. My mother was conniving and manipulative. And she would needle me until I had a fit of rage. After this happening two or three times a week for years on end. I learned to just rocket to the extremes. Because I learned as a kid that was the only way I could get her to stop needling me. So. My rage would show at a drop of a dime. And as time went on. It all escalated. To a point I’m not just yelling. I’m punching walls. Kicking doors. And then that would escalate. Which taught me to always be on that verge of hatred.
Now. For me. It took me a long time to figure this all out. I remember in my twenties the honestly thought I was pure evil.
Ok. Now I have identified that I have more than two emotions. And I identified where my anger stems from. So now what.
Figure out the proper outlet for the proper emotion. Meaning. There are several ways to cope with whatever emotions you have. To meditation. Venting. Taking a walk. To sit down and talk. To even just a few deep breaths.
Now as I’m sure you know. When you are furious and someone tells you to calm down and breath. It just makes you want to punch that person in the face. Lol. So different emotions require different techniques to defuse the emotion. And that can vary. It will vary with each person.
Now apply what technique you feel is suited for the situation. It will take time to train your emotions not to rocket to one end of the spectrum. But in time it certainly can be done.
Now with your situation. It sounds as if your wife wants to be supportive but just doesn’t know how. So these are all things that would be best to talk to her about. Because then you both will learn and grow.
Also. If need be. And as silly as it sounds. But I believe she would be willing to try it. Is you do a time out. Or something. Meaning. You decide on let’s say. A word. Like Dog Tag. Lol. It doesn’t matter what the word is. But when you feel yourself even begin to get upset. You say the word. And you and your wife. Make and agreement. That when you say that word. No matter what you are talking about. Or doing. You both stop. And that topic is off limits for say an hour. But the hard part of that technique is both parties have to stick by the guidelines. So that means. You have an hour to cool off. But you have to face whatever the issue was. And she has to stick with giving you that set time. To cool off or think things through.
Bottom line is these. Usually with anger issues. And lots of other issues. There is a long term solution. Exposing where the anger comes from. And there’s a short term solution. Just getting through that moment. And unfortunately. Most of the time. A person need both solutions to reach the ultimate goal. Having one solution only delays the inevitable.
Now to end things off well. Here’s a few very good things I noticed about your post. Your honesty. A big part of getting past anger issues is to be honest. With yourself as well as those closest to you. The passion. I admire you for your drive to improve. Not just yourself. But also your marriage. Your intelligence. It takes intelligence to recognize these a problem. And it’s getting out of control. And these are all great things you have in your corner. And I know it’s not going to be easy. It’s a long road. But you have what it takes to get there. And by reaching out is a huge step. So well done. And please remember. Try to be kind to yourself. Patient with yourself. For you have earned that right.

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