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I haven't posted here in awhile either. I've been di

LollyNews's picture
[32785]

I haven't posted here in awhile either.
I've been distracting myself.
I get up everyday thinking about just getting through that day. I don't want to think about Alcohol.
I know I can't drink it. So that is that.
At 20 months , I'm just thinking about it because I feel in some ways like it's only been 30 days.
Like my brain is doing something and I don't know what it is? But... I felt the need to dye my hair bright red! Don't like it! Glad it is temp. So it will fade (I hope) and then I want to do the bright pink?

For anyone with more sobriety... is this some sort of brain fart? Or healing process ?
I thought I was already through it and now I feel like I'm going through it again!
I'm also feeling a lot of anxiety out of nowhere!

I did just start driving again after a year. The traffic is overwhelming.
I try to go out when it's not busy but that's not always possible.
Yeah.. I feel like I need to check in.
Thanks

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LollyNews's picture
[32785]
Dec 7

@jdonna25 I looked at that. I definitely went through it. I'm past it now. After writing this out and thinking it over, I realized what I'm feeling is just a little rebellion because I'm finally free.
I messed up and had an accident 12/20/2015. I was arrested and charged with a DUI.
By 5/15/2017 I started a year of probation. Then 6 months in I find out my license is being suspended for a year.
I was so afraid of making another mistake that I lived like a Nun.
Now I'm free. I can dye my hair pink and Noone can question me etc.
And I'm sober because I really want to be. I just couldn't discipline myself to follow through.
Like you... I would relapse. I could get 30 days, maybe even 4 months. I would give in. I didn't have a support system. I was too scared to go back to A.A.
Do you go to A.A. ?
It helped me in the past. I'm not against it. I might go myself soon. I need to face this fear of going.

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[3705]
Dec 8

I have used as in the past and the wonderful people I met supported me in getting thru my first year. For reasons I won't explain I left aa and starting using Women for sobriety. Womenforsobriety.org

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[1485]
Dec 9

Glad you are reaching out. It sounds like you understand yourself. Research shows when we think negatively there are brain chemicals released which negatively effect us and our behaviors. What helps you to stay in healthy thinking?

Sometimes, we resist what we know in our hearts we need to do. Recovery is an ongoing process and sometimes it is two steps forward and then one step back, especially during the holiday season. Many peoples' feelings toward the past reignite poor habits and coping skills, and then we play off each other.

For me, it is helpful to spend "alone" time in the morning. Praying, reading the Word, thinking and feeling about situations, and then seeking wise counsel from my husband during our later "morning time all have helped me to avoid going backwards too much. Also, working a twelve-step program, like OA, AA, and Celebrate Recovery, is essential for me to stay "sober". Have you pursued any of these?

There is HOPE!!

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