Hi there, I am the mother of an adult daughter, will be 3

Dirb's picture

Hi there,

I am the mother of an adult daughter, will be 30 this month, with alcohol and prescription pill issues.

The Sunday before Thanksgiving I go to pick her up to hang out with her son, he is 9. When we got to her appt I could see she was really messed up. I had NEVER EVER seen her like this. I told her I felt we needed to go to the emergency room. She agreeed. I tried to protect my grandson by putting the music up in the back of the car while I was driving and working to keep my daughter from saying things he did not need to hear, I had no one to call to help me.....so in the ER I had to beg the nurses to watch my grandson so I could go into the triage with my daughter. (She was so messed up and saying all kinds of things no child should hear their parent say). Once her blood work came back she was over 4times the legal limit and yet she was walking, talking, etc. Doctor told me for her to be vertical with that amount of alcohol she has had a lot of practice. This broke my heart for her.

Hospital kept her til next morning because she has had seizures at work, now I know why. Anyways she agreed to go into rehab so she went in that Monday night. Her ins would only pay for 28days. I was upset because, after some research, I knew her chances of success were slim but no matter who I spoke with could change it. So while she was in rehab I drove the hour, sometimes 2 with traffic, each way 3 days a week. Hired her two attorneys, one for custody...so she won't loose her son,and one for the DUI she got 2 days prior, I had no idea. We went to court 3 times during the 27days she was gone. I had to juggle her life so she had a life when she got out, At rehab she was thankful I kept coming, though she knows I adore her so so much and I would do anything to help her. So I thought she finally got that I am and always have been in her corner. I cleared out my bank account for her with her promising me when she got out she would pay me back. In the mean time she gave me her ATM card to withdrawl some of the money she owed me after she got her paychecks which she was getting because I contacted her boss, Human Resources, her manager etc to set up the family leave act for her. I did not take all the money I could for I did not want her to get over draft fees from bills she said were on auto pay.

Between her work, her ex husband, her custody and dui issues and her rehab, which I was and still am very thankful , my life stopped. I gained 20lbs from stress eating. I was so so thankfully she finally agreed to rehab. Our time at rehab was good and healthy. I had such hope...no expectations, but hope.

She even got into an Oxford house! YAY Plus now that all the peeps that care for her, now know each other, she always kept everyone seperated...I know why now, I was thrilled for her to not have to work weaving her web of lies now. She was free and could start putting her life back together.

2. days after she got out she called me and asked me to leave her keys on my front porch. I was surprised and said "sweetie I will be home. I will put them in the box with your other items. (This was on Dec 21st) and that I loved her.

Her response was to threaten me with the police!!!! She said I was illegally keeping her property. Basically she went off. She is verbally and emotionally abusive too me. Says horrible hurtful untrue things to me just too be cruel. I was SHOCKED at her escalation!

Bottom line is her brother took her her keys. She proceeds to tell him that the rehab facility said I was not healthy for her. That I was not supportive enough. That her attorney said I was the reason she was having custody issues, etc etc etc, Hurt me so much. She also stated: what kind of mother takes money from her daughter when in rehab and that she will never pay me back and then some choice verbiage she spewed via text at me.

I have not heard from her since I saw her for Christmas Eve. Apparently she is still in her sober living, thank God, and attending many meetings. Her brother says she is doing well but she is still as viscious to me as she was before rehab. Has continued her degrading of me to anyone who will listen, including my two ex, her bio and adoptive father.

I'm on here hoping one of you can tell me why? Why does she always go for my jugular when I am the only one she turns too, I'm the only one she can trust. I'm the only one who has ne ear left her. She grew up in private schools with me being very involved in her schools, not as a showboat mom, just as a helpful loving mom. She does have some entitlement issues but when I spoke with the doctor she works for and the head nurse all I heard was how kind, thoughtful, hard worker she was. How much htheir patience loves her, etc etc. I was beyond THRILLED! She is very dedicated to her work.

But she ignores her son and is just as cruel as cruel can be to me, when I apologize for messing up with her she screams at me saying that I Know the I am a great mom. My response is 'if I am such a great mom why do you treat me so badly'. With that she goes into mocking me saying I'm just a drama queen, She is as sharp as a knife. Truly the meanest person I know. The stuff that comes out of her mouth is just jaw dropping.

I'm so lost. Why does she hate me? I have walked a tight rope between being a loving and supportive mom and not being an enabler. I am not paying for any attorneys for she acts as if money grows on trees, She would, and has, taken my last 20.00 knowing it was all I had left for that time.

Obviously there are tons of situations that have impacted both our lives...but PLEASE can someone share with me why oh why can a I never catch a break from her? She uses her son as a weapon by keeping him and I apart though she knows how close we are. She dosnt make time for him but so I always have. Not to look better than her but rather to keep a presents of her in his life. He might not get her but he gets her through me is how I saw it, By me staying involved with him it kept him from feeling abandoned, when she choices to work overtime rather than be with her son. I know she feels bad but she makes it worse by blowing him off because of her guilt and then making it impossible for my grandson and I to see each other, I just don't get it! No one in my family has EVER used children as weapons.

I am looking for an alanon group. I wrote my effects letter before she left rehab. It stated my support, my love, a general description of how her disease has affected my life and that I will no longer be her bank or her net. That I am here as alaway but if she starts drinking and using again I could not have her in my life, but I would drive her back to rehab if she ever needed it.

On Christmas Eve I could tell she got ahold of adderall again, But as I stated her brother says she is doing great.

Sorry if my note is too long or messy by being all over the place. I am just a desperate mom trying to understand why my daughter wants to hurt me so deeply. Why does she spread rumors about me in the most negative ways? What does she get out of attempting to make me look bad?

My finally question is.....we have basically not communicated since dec 24th. In the past I would send her texts of .....encouragement, About my love for her, to stay strong, etc or a little ' I love you' text. Rarely she responds. I did it cuz I ne re want her to feel alone. I'm always worried about her and what mind frame she is in. We have almost lost her 3 times due to OD. I just don't know what to do....do I wait for her to contact me or is it better for her, even if she does not respond, If I send a once a week positive something or other? I just don't want time to go by to where she would hesitate to contact me. But then again I might be over thinking.

Oh...I got it....How can I best support my daughter in a kind and loving way yet protect myself until she gets the help to get control of her anger. I have offered to go to counseling, do yoga, anything to help her work through whatever it is.

Sorry if I'm rambling. I'm just so confused. :(

Know I applaud ALL of you guys on here. We all need Support no matter what our stories are. And Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom that come my way.


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Dirb's picture
Jan 9, 2017

You are very sweet girlie :)

And yes I'm sure there is no group where the nice guys hang out.....for if there were....there would be a lot less sad lonely girlies on here! Lololol...tis true ;)

Yes....I agreee. She needs a cooling off period. Silly for me to worry about her feeling unloved for she clearly knows she is deeply loved. right....RIGHT! :)

PS. The Story of my Ball
So I am a treasure hunter, yes a real one. When peeps would ask me what I was hunting for I would teasingly say , "Oh, just the COOLEST bowling ball in the world!" Then we would all giggle. Welllll, one day during my hunt there it was....the coolest bowling ball I had every seen! Lolol...what's crazy is it fit me immediately!!! The finger holes where drilled for me in perfection! So of course I HAD to buy it! It now sits as a thingamajig in the corner of my den. Lololol.... my grandson and I have used it a few times. Turns out it's a cosmic bowling ball by Disney. 8lbs. Lololololo....puuuuurrrrrfect for this feline :D

Ciao for now

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Jan 11, 2017

I've worked in a drug and alcohol rehab. I've also been sober from alcohol for 5 years. With her blood alcohol level that high it's clear she has been drinking hard for quite some time. Last time I went to the hospital, my blood alcohol was .41. Most people go into a coma at .32 or so. I was walking and talking fine. It also took over 24 hours to get my blood alcohol level to the legal limit. If she's been drinking a long time she's going to be angry. Alcohol was her best friend. Despite the fact it causes problems later on, an alcoholic is always going to want to return to normal drinking. Putting an addict in rehab and forcing them to stop is a heavy emotional thing for everyone involved. You've taken away the love of their life so to speak. Their main coping mechanism for everything. There's just a lot to process when you stop a repetitive behavior like that. It's even harder when she may not really want to quit yet. I put my mom through utter hell for a few years. I was out of control with alcohol. And while I wanted to stop the negative consequences of drinking, I didn't want to stop drinking. You can't make an alcoholic get sober or want to get sober. Some people have to get to worse bottoms than others (though I don't think people need to hit a bottom). Some people die. It's going to be a long arduous process. Chances are she's going to relapse. Probably more than once. She may not, but most people do. It sucks that we've decided that 28 days is a magic number for people to get and stay sober, but that's the reality. You can and still need to love your daughter but she's going through what's called an emotional hangover. Also Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms. Google PAWS, it'll help you understand what is going on with her brain chemistry. I couldn't sleep for weeks when I quit. Alcohol wreaks havoc on the body in ways you'd never think of. As for yourself, I'm sorry you're going through this. You do need to take care of you. If she's been to rehab and is in a sober home, she's in the hands of people that know how to deal with that stuff and can hold her accountable. I'd say give al anon a shot. My mom hated it. I've never been because I was on the opposite end of it all so I don't know what it's like. I know it's hard to watch someone you love go through an addiction, but it's not your fault and you have no power over it. She has no power over it in all honesty. If you can get counseling or ask the rehab what they'd recommend I'd do that. They call it a family disease because it affects everyone. If I can find some alternative support groups besides al anon I'll post them here to you later on. I just can't think of any right now.

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Dirb's picture
Jan 11, 2017

Thanks so much for you support and information. It helped a lot. Like I mentioned I did go to all the family group meetings and the lectures with her 3times a week. I have found to alanon ground but have yet to go. I'm so tired of crying. I've never been made at my daughter for I understood she has pain, though Im not sure of most of it. When the rest of the fam said do this or that I could not for they were operating from one of Logic. I understood I was dealing with very hurt, sad, and angry daughter but truthfully had zero idea of the severity of it. She also only has one functioning kidney and due to the seizures she was having at work, a brain scan shown she has scare tissue on the left side of her brain. Mind you she has been dealing with all of that before rehab and REMARKABLY her job was only effected the last week before rehab. And she works for the bone doctors for the top professional teams in our state. So she is at the top of her field and yet....she was doing it drunk. The fact she could hold it together at work still blows my mind. She just went back to work. I am so very thankful shape has been able to keep her job for it is the one area of her life she is proud of herself.

It does hurt to depths that are undescribable when she keeps me out/lashes out. I want to give her the space I feel we both need right now but I don't want her to feel I abandoned her. I know she has lots of guilt. And I am well aware her chances of a relapse are inevitable, which is just so so scary.

Thanks again for your support and info fella....Truly

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