I just returned from an ayahuasca retreat, only two nights t

I just returned from an ayahuasca retreat, only two nights this time, which is probably a good thing, as it was incredibly difficult, unlike my first one a year ago. This time I was consumed with pain about the affairs, but more like a dull pain, like my heart was dead. Two nights of singing to my heart, and nothing. Last time, I was overwhelmed with emotion during the ceremonies, both good and bad feelings, and it really was an awakening for me. This time, it was like I was being slowly tortured, but couldn't feel the pain, just a numbness. I desperately wanted to feel something, to break out in tears, anything at all, but I couldn't.
I think the lesson the plant was teaching me was that part of my heart was dead, and not to try to revive it to relive the old pain, but to let it re-grow anew and start building new happy memories to support it.
My wife is going to her first counselling session alone tonight, and our daughter has also begun last week, and is very excited after her first session, so these are both goods signs of positive movement.
I sent one final message to the previous AP's wife, after providing a few details to her about his continued obsession with my wife, and just said that I would not contact her again unless I hear about anything further from him. I did not tell her who I was, and she did not respond any further, so I will just leave that alone. I will wait a few more days, then delete the account so I am not tempted to use it again.
One positive thing which I did not expect from the retreat is that I realized just how much I have abused alcohol in my life, and that I am a functioning alcoholic. I could stop, but didn't want to. But when I thought about how times I had regret in my life, far too many of them were because of alcohol, and that has convinced me that I must quit. I am purging my body of alcohol, caffeine, and have stopped taking dexedrine for depression. I feel better already, but I still have a long road ahead before feeling really strong again.
I'm looking forward to getting away for a week over New Year's hiking in the desert with my wife and building some new memories.
I probably won't visit here much if all goes well, so thanks to all of you who have offered guidance, and I hope you can stay strong and true to your self.

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[1105]
Jan 11

@emmystrouble Glad you like it -- I tried some recently also -- but I can assure you it's not the same. Ayahuasca is not legal in most countries, so you won't find it easily unless you go to Peru, Ecuador or other countries where it is used for traditional healing ceremonies. Even there, I doubt you can just buy it. I am going on another retreat in a week to continue the healing journey I have begun...

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emmystrouble's picture
[8740]
Jan 11

@sgw67 oh it's not the same. But it really helps with my anxiety. I wouldn't have been led to it with out your post tho. It's just a real subtle peaceful feeling after drinking it. I've started trying other anxiety teas. I'm starting to replace sodas with tea. And if I drink that guayusa tea thru the day, then by the evening most of the time I can pass up wine. And most of the time is better than everyday.

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[42515]
Jan 12

@sgw67
I looked at the website and had mixed emotions about it. Is Ayahuasca a hallucinogenic? If so I can see the need to be around people who know what is going on and people you can trust.

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