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Hello all. My name is Hunter and I am a 19 year old female

Hello all.
My name is Hunter and I am a 19 year old female. Just wanted to take some time to share a little about myself and my story.

I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Bipolar. My depression began as a child. My father was a very abusive person, as well as an alcoholic and drug addict.. My mother was also a drug addict.. My sister was never around much, she got addicted to drugs at age 13 and was in a rehab until her late teens. My parents ended up divorcing when I was 11 and my mother went off and married a new man. She chose him over me & to this day I will never understand how you could choose a man over your own child. My grandparents raised me. What was wrong with me? I would love to have parents that cared about me.. i would be ok with just a mom.. there are many of days that i wish someone would just take me in as there own. A mom to hold me and tell me it’s ok. A mom to help me deal with my thoughts.. My grandfather passed away three years ago and it is still very hard for me.. I miss him so much. In 2014 I found my neighbor dead in his garage after he had blew his brains out.. I now suffer from PTSD because of that. It is an image that is forever embedded in my mind. Every time I close my eyes, every time I open my eyes.

I always just wanted to be loved. I had reconnected with a middle school boyfriend. We ended up dating and he seemed great at first, but then things changed. It was like a snap of the fingers. If I didn’t marry him he was going to leave, if I didn’t move in with him he was going to leave... etc... he ended up cheating and at that point I should have known, this isn’t love. But I begged for him to come back. I loved him and at that time I didn’t see anything wrong. Maybe I didn’t give him what he needed? Maybe if I did what he wanted it would be ok. I had gotten pregnant and we were so excited And things went great for a little while and then it got bad again. Worse then ever before. His attitude was sucky towards everything, I wasn’t allowed to see my friends or family without a fight, I was paying his way through life, I was paying our bills. He was out sleeping around and constantly lying. But i was always the bad one. I ended up having a miscarriage on August 15, 2017.. i miss my baby so much and it is a pain that i will never be able to explain.. He would not keep a job, a car. It’s like the man I had melt in fell in love with was gone. He had figured out every trick to get into my brain and brainwash me and make me feel awful if I didn’t do the things he wanted or meet his needs. I finally found the strength to leave two months ago and it has been the best but the hardest decision that I have ever made. I am lost, I do not know in which direction to even step my foot next and I am so alone now. He was all that I had but I just couldn’t stay anymore. I probably would have ended up dead somewhere. Is it my fault? What could I have done? What made him change from a person that was so great to a monster? I am currently a recovering alcoholic. I started on a new medication that i am not allowed to have any alcohol with so i have no choice but to stop. Only 5 days sober, but it is a start.. it is SO difficult...

Just needing some help here. Why was I not enough? Why am I still not enough? How could your own parents not want you?

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[12990]
May 15

Well, your parents clearly had some kind of problem being able to love. Your ex-boyfriend too. Good job breaking up with him and getting sober. I really would recommend AA or some other support group to stay sober. AA has worked well for me. I assume you are already on medication for mental illness. You may find it works a lot better if you don't drink.If not I would bug your psychiatrist about changing and or adding medication. They can always say no if they think it would be a bad idea. It took a couple of years of sobriety for me to get over my depression-and medication added. Things couldn't be better now, so I'm glad I stuck with it. Hope that helps. PS. I strongly recommend staying out of a relationship for a while if you can do it.

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[10]
May 17

Hey Hunter, I am so so inspired by your strength and vulnerability to first, live through all these things and come out of them with a desire to grow and change the downward cycle of your family, and second, that you are reaching out for help!
Don't listen to those lies in your head! You are enough, you are loved and valued, and you belong in this world! You are enough, and if someone lies, manipulates, and uses your trust against you, that is NOT your fault. By separating and distancing yourself from him - and maybe your family who does the same - you set a boundary and standard of what you will allow in your life and what you won't. And that is healthy!

Day by day. It won't be an easy journey,

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." This is a scripture that helps me rely on God's strength when mine fails.

I am praying for you for healing and restoration for your heart and mind my dear!
Big hugs

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[17225]
May 17

@Ladyhunter98

Hi Hunter, I understand what it is like to live with alcoholic/addicted parents, although mine never divorced. Still many scars. I am sorry for what you went through as a child, the abandonment that happened to you, and the longing for a mother and father to love you. Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your baby. I am sorry for the way your ex mistreated you. You deserve better than someone like your ex and you are so much better off having left him. I admire how after all you have been through that you are striving to grow and make positive changes in your life. You are good enough, worthy and an important person who deserves to have a happy life. Those who you think that you are not good enough are people with many problems and they did not know how to be parents. I wish you the best for your future. If you want to talk further, let me know.

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