This week's Topic: Giving yourself permission to be imperfect!!!

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Well, let's see. My emotionally abusive sister called me at

Traffic_Report's picture
[1650]

Well, let's see. My emotionally abusive sister called me at 8PM on a Monday night and asked me, through explosive tears, if I would agree to be her son's caregiver if she becomes a victim of COVID-19 in the event that she is asked to report to her school building for work in the fall. She's been working on her will.

Ok. I appease her, calm her down a bit, we chat, laugh a little, and move on. Naturally, it began to weigh on my mind and so I reached out to her to tell her I needed more time to think and I would speak with her soon. She understood, and even apologized for dropping such a large bomb on my head within seconds of a Monday evening phone call, while sobbing. Not in those words of course. How I FEEL about it really has no importance. But it put me in the situation of having to disclose extremely personal information to the most long standing emotionally manipulative, most emotionally and verbally abusive person in my life. I "came out" to her, as borderline and as an alcoholic. She has been a bully to me for my entire life, I do not trust her with that sensitive information.

I'm almost positive that telling her this will come back to bite me somehow. But, this isn't really about that. This is about the situation itself forcing me to look critically at my own behavior. I can barely take care of myself, I'm not so sure it'd be the greatest idea to introduce a child into my life. I believe without a doubt that having me as a "mother" could destroy a person. I had been maintaining a decent medium for a while but after moving states to live alone and be closer to family I started to notice myself leaning into my destructive tendencies a little more. I live alone now, there's no one to judge how ****** I treat myself.
I've only been keeping afloat most of the time for about 2 years, but when I'm "keeping afloat" I'm still drinking, and maybe only totally overtaken by an emotion like 2 or 3 times a month rather than constantly being pulled in multiple directions. That is beginning to change. I have been seeing someone for about 7 months now, almost exactly the same amount of time I've been "sober" (which was true for a while but I don't remember anymore how far along I broke it). Being in a relationship has skewed my thoughts and perceptions a bit. I'm more sensitive, and I'm starting to obsess over proving that he's not loving or supporting enough or that he's straying emotionally and secretly wants everyone around him except for me when I have very little and in fact no real evidence to support any of those suspicions. F*cking jealousy and insecurity are an absolute nightmare BUT this is one of the first times I have dealt with it while having an understanding of my own reactions and destructive thoughts. It's a trip. So, who knows, time will tell what happens there.

Anyway, I digress. I can't imagine how I would react to suddenly being dropped into single motherhood. Relationships are so incredibly difficult for me to manage, I honestly don't know if I would be ok with exposing a child to the kind of environment. Of course, this is all a big "if," but what if it does happen. It could happen. If I agree and she gets hit by a car, bam motherhood.

I have a lot of things to think about. Thanks for reading, I always forget how helpful this can be <3

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[19785]
Aug 5

I have a sister just like that. Seriously. Mine is probably not as nice as your sister sounds.
Anyway... you do not have to explain anything to her or divulge any of your personal information. You decide if you would take your nephew, that is your decision to make, but do not feel the need to explain your choices. Either yes or no will suffice.

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Traffic_Report's picture
[1650]
Aug 5

@Littlesis7 No signatures as far as I'm aware. That's the thing is she has a will and in it he is already going to be taken care of by his Aunt and Uncle on his father's side who live in the same state (I don't) have 2 children close to his age, stable established lucrative careers and a house. Plus there's our other sister who is married with a stable established lucrative career and husband. Yet she asked me even though she has abused me for being a "screw up" my whole life. It's just odd to me. She said her main reason is that she doesn't think his father's side of the family is compassionate or caring enough.

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Littlesis7's picture
[17395]
Aug 7

@Traffic_Report She sounds like she may be a very confused person...Im impressed that you could forgive and get past all her "judgement" - you are a better person than me. Sure, maybe his father's side are not as compassionate and not have his best interests at hand..but wow! I guess I'd expect her ( if she DOES actually recognize your value as a good mentor, etc..) to be eating a lot of "crow" and praising you to the moon as she's asking you to make one of the most important decisions of YOUR, and your nephew's life?!
In my experience, people with BIG mouths, usually end up in trouble- caused by - themselves! Hope it works out & you are at peace about it.

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