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After the high comes the low. Yesterday was way worse becaus

Safemeadow's picture
[9585]

After the high comes the low. Yesterday was way worse because i didnt get enough sleep. Ive been binge eating when i get home at night and it is terrible for my sleep and my health. When im manic, i want to workout and eat right (or fast) them bam i hit the wall of depression wave again (seems i spend more time down here) All i hear from people is consistency, keep it up, one day at a time. On days like today all i can do is get dressed and get to work.... make it through the day and get home and relax, distress and get numb. I used to drink and smoke cigarettes to get that, now its food and TV.... I feel out of control with food just like i am with drinking. Ive had a bad relationship with food all my life and my current living situation doesnt afford me use of a kitchen and i have a tiny fridge i usually keep waters in. I keep seeing all the barriers to why i let it get so bad, eating takeaway way too many days and feeling trapped in my work, my room and my life. I know what it takes to be healthy and fit. i have been there before (although with a sick mind) i want a balance of both. i want loving myself to be about health not instant gratification. It seems to get motivated i have to hate myself and hate everything enough to change it. how can i change? i feel these deeply ingrained thoughts towards myself and fitness are rooted in childhood abuse. i was always an active , fit healthy kid. i was told by my dad i was fat and he started having me do crash diets since i was ten. pain was the motivation. pain and wanting to please my dad. i had anorexia and bulimia in highschool. i was praised by my dad and friends and teachers. Finally i was skinny. and i wanted to die. i would eat one graham cracker and 1/3 cup unsweetened apple sauce for the day. "keep it up!" they say, i ran a mile or more a day . i would take my dinner to drama practice and let my friend eat it. That is what i know about being skinny. binge, purge, self hate and loathing. never measuring up. now im 25 and nearly 220 from all the years of abuse, illness and stress and self destruction. drinking, smoking, drugs using pills , starving. Balance is my goal and seems so far out of reach. Im exhausted and fighting myself and losing then beating myself up is really getting me down... Sorry for the long rant. I hope tomorrow i feel better....

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Safemeadow's picture
[9585]
Aug 9

@LikeMinds I really needed to hear that. :) thank you, i forget to be my own friend alot. Next step, buy some good tennis shoes (so i dont have that excuse not to workout) lol thank you for sharing

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Safemeadow's picture
[9585]
Aug 9

@Irishfighter will do, thank you for commenting :)

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LikeMinds's picture
[1195]
Aug 9

A perfect next step!

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