Hi there, I'm new here. Currently, just hoping to talk with

Eliari's picture
[35]

Hi there, I'm new here. Currently, just hoping to talk with people who actually understand what goes on in my head. Does anyone else have these shiny, beautiful, amazing bouts of hope only to come crashing down with a panic attack? That's what's been going on with me lately. My world is getting smaller and smaller, and the idea that I'm actually panicked about panicking leaves my friends with no real room for empathy. They assume I'm just flaky or depressed. I've dealt with panic attacks since I was a child, but over the last year or two they've consumed my life. There was a lot of trauma precipitating my current situation, but still... if I'm not in the middle of feeling like I need an ambulance, I'm angry. I'm so mad at myself, and it seems impossible to stop beating myself up for being "weak," whether it's because I cancelled plans, or decided to just be in bed all day. I have always preached compassion, and would never think of anyone else with mental illness as being weak, or undeserving of a happy healthy life. somehow, I stopped being able to apply my advice to myself. Anyone else? I mean, I'm literally a motivational writer/speaker. Haven't even worked for nearly a year now. I feel like a liar, even though I believe wholly in my message. Ain't that a kick in the head?

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Yes, I've had such experiences. Felt like I was getting better, my world was opening up, then just when I'd let my guard down and pushed myself, there was the agoraphobia, or the panic, or whatever else my mental health decided to throw at me.

I look back at diaries to last year at a time when I was struggling a lot, and I see how much I beat myself up for being weak, when now that I understand more clearly, I was just an unwell person without the right kind of support available.

I went for nearly two years without working due to my condition. Fortunately, since then I've managed to be in work for about 18 months out of the last two years, despite not being up to leaving my home for most of that time.

I sense that rather than a liar you feel more like a fraud, that you can motivate others but can't overcome this yourself, and that it somehow makes your message less relevant. My response would be that if you broke your leg you wouldn't then run a marathon. It just plain wouldn't be possible, however motivated you were. Mental health is no less important than physical health. You can know how to coach others, even if your health prevents you from applying your own advice to yourself.

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[140]
Feb 9

Isn't it amazing that we condemn ourselves for whatever situation we are in, yet anyone but us and we lift them up and support them. Why is that? Why don't we ever heed our own advice? I am just as much to blame for lifting others up and not listening to my own instructions.
However, when life had me on the brink of death, I learned that I must listen. And listen I did. I listened to the reality of my situation and I accepted where I am, not perfect! Then sought the assistance necessary to healing. That's it . . . healing. Embrace yourself and consider communicating with someone to healing.

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