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My first language isn’t english. So I’m sorry in advance

My first language isn’t english. So I’m sorry in advance if I misspell something.
I’m here because I am exhausted. I can’t take it anymore, my family dynamic will drive me crazy.
I’m a self harmer. And i have been clean since January 7th, so i guessed this was a good idea for coping instead of cutting.
I just don’t get why people always say “family is always goes first.” I mean i get it, but in my case i just can’t feel it that way. My mom hurts me everyday and sometimes just wish she was dead. Does that make me a bad person? Idk. Don’t get me wrong i love her very much, but she is so abusive and i really want her to stop. She doesn’t respect me at all. And my dad doesn’t support me. I try my best to set boundaries but they gaslight me to the point they make me feel selfish for doing so.
I wish I could just go away, but at the same time I feel guilty for wanting that. For wanting out, for leaving my poor not knowing better dad behind with an abusive sick wife.
It makes me sad and angry to the core. And I just feel the need to translate all the emotional pain into physical pain.
I do my best to keep in mind that all the words she says aren’t true, but I’m not deaf.
Sometimes i wish i were tho.

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[560]
Sep 15

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. How old are you? if you are a child ( teenagers included) you need to talk to your teacher, or your church pastor. Maybe they can help you mother get the help she needs and break this vicious cycle you find yourself in the middle of.
If you are an adult do you have any siblings ( brothers or sisters) you can talk to, or a trusted friend, or again your church pastor. Here are some references regarding self harm that might help. I know you said you haven't done it since January. but it can always rear it's ugly head. I hope you are seeing someone about your self harm issues. I would also reveal to them what is going on in your home as well. If you find yourself in crisis please call 911, or National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. There is also a Crisis Text Line at 741741. you can also call this number for some free counseling advise if you don't see someone currently Counseling Line 1-855-382-5433. I pick up a bad vibe the way you say " I want to go away" I feel a finality in it. The line between self harmer and suicide is a very thin one. Please seek help if you feel hopeless. you will be in my prayers. Also here are some references regarding abuse. https://bit.ly/2RtQCpt

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[560]
Sep 15

If they have a church they go to, and a pastor they trust.

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[32450]
Sep 15

I just thought of something else that might help. You could go to a Zoom or phone meeting of Al-Anon or Alateen or Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families. These are free "12-step" groups. They're for friends and family of alcoholics, but the way your parents are acting, and the way you have to protect yourself, are very similar to the way people with alcoholics in their family have to learn to protect themselves. You will find supportive people there. Google "Al-Anon" and "Alateen" and "ACOA" for times for meetings. Hope things are bearable at your house. Best of luck.

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