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It's been a rough day ao far and it's only 10:47. I dreamt o

It's been a rough day ao far and it's only 10:47. I dreamt of my dead ex-boyfriend who abused me. I dreamt that I was missing him and crying out for him to be with me again (in the dream he was alive). He wouldn't answer me and tried being with another girl, and it hurt me so much. I really hate the feeling of waking up from a dream and having it ruin everything about me for the next day. I'm not sleeping much again and I'm exhausted. I hate what he did to me and how much of an effect he still has on my life. I want the pain gone from me permanently. I'm 21 and live in a city and going to be a senior in college. As my friends get ready for this important, final year of school, I think about my ex, dead abuser. I'm not even sure what to do anymore.

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[680]
Jul 19

Dreams can do that to us. They do to me, anyway. I like to journal as a way to get my thoughts and feelings out, especially after a rough night of bad dreams. Sometimes I find it helps me think clearer, too. Other creative outlets help, too, or taking a 30 minute walk. Have you talked to anyone about the abuse you went through?

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[335]
Jul 23

@limenavy I go see a therapist once a week, and i guess it somewhat helps, but it's such a ****** feeling. he lied to me about his whole life; even his age. he was cheating on me, had two phones and on top of that he abused me emotionally to the point i tried committing suicide. i want to be able to go on dates again, but i;m either too shy to talk to a guy, or become extermley aggressive and mean. i guess it's a defense mechanism but i still feel like im his puppet, and he's controlling me in every which way.

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[335]
Jul 23

@Gone Fishing thank you for your kind words of support. i hate everything he's done to me, but i still love him and miss him for a weird reason. why do people feel the need to be this cruel? i know some of it has to do with the environment they grew up in, the chemical balance in their brain, etc...it's just so hard to wrap my mind around how he could do this to a person. he grew up in a good home, got everything he wanted, but wanted to treat the "nicest girl he's ever met" like garbage. he lied so much about his life, and didn't find this out until he died. this consumes me every day and i want him gone from my head

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