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I am married for the second time and it pains and embarrasse

I am married for the second time and it pains and embarrasses me to think of anyone knowing that the second time around, while not physically abusive like the first time, is not working.
My husband is a diabetic and while I know that his disease may be contributing to his mood swings and mean behaviors, it still hurts me and is hard to accept and ignore. I have four children and my life is very busy. Besides caring for them, I try to care for my parents and friends who need me..all the while running my own part time business and caring for my husbands needs.
I just don’t know how to deal with his meanness. I will admit that I am a sensitive soul and I take it to heart when people snap at me or treat me sharply, but it is who I am- it’s hard to change my sensitive qualities.
My husband is always acting impatient with me and making me feel as if I am a burden to him. He will often tell me that my feelings are stupid or that I am ridiculous. I don’t know how to move past the way he cuts me down. Am I to take my marriage vows as a priority and consider these behaviors related to his disease and consider this “ for worse” part of the vows?
Yes- I’ve told him how he makes me feel- Yes, he has on occasion Insincerely apologized- No- things don’t change.

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GirlKitty's picture
[65165]
Feb 11

@Jillybean73 I'm so sorry you're being verbally abused. You said he's not physical, but verbal abuse, in my opinion, is very detrimental to who we are. I, too, am a sensitive person and I'm susceptible (and often hurt) by personal criticisms. I think it's normal for us to want and need the person closest to us to be patient and nice, at least most of the time. You mentioned your vows, but our marriage vows also say "to love and cherish". Screaming and putting someone down is not showing love and cherishing the spouse.
I don't know what makes your husband behave the way he does. But I have known 2 people with diabetes and neither ever screamed at their spouse or made the spouse feel 'less than'. If something is wrong with his diabetes that's causing him to act that way, he needs to see his doctor because obviously something is wrong.
I think he could benefit from either personal therapy or marriage counseling. Is there any chance you can get him to go to either of those?
There is one thing you can do when he starts raging that may make things a little better. You can try "grey rock". Grey rock means you do not engage, you do not argue or yell back, you do not defend yourself, you just let him have his say and act like it doesn't bother you (until it doesn't actually bother you). This is will be very hard at first, it's hard not to defend ourselves, but you will defuse the situation if you don't engage.
He is lashing out at you because you are there and you're closest to him, I think he would lash out at another person in your place. I don't think it's you, I think it's his issues. You are just an easy target.
If you want to stay married, there is one book that may help you. I'm not saying your husband is a narcissist, I have no idea. I'm not a professional and I can't diagnosis anyone. I just know that in this book there are chapters about living with angry people and setting boundaries. You may want to check out this book; "The Object of My Affection is My Reflection" by Rokele Lerner. Check this book out on Amazon. Several chapters toward the end are the ones that talk about how to set boundaries and live with someone who is difficult.
I hope this is helpful. I hope things get better for you at home. Again, I don't think your husband is a narcissist, I just know that book very well. I really wish you the best!

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